200 Motels Commercial Session Outtakes
FZ:
Okay, guys. Ready to do the commercial?
Mark & Howard:
Yeah! Here we go! All right!
FZ:
Come on! Let's go! Let's do this commercial now!
Mark:
All right, Frank, we're all ready! The guy is really nuts . . .
Howard:
I know . . .
Mark:
He is so innocent I can't believe it.
Howard:
Hmm, hmm . . .
Jim:
Then . . .
Mark:
Okay, here we go! Hi, hi, this is Mark and Howard and Jim here and we wanna tell you there's a great, great new movie out, yeah!
Howard:
Hi, hi . . . hi, hi . . . We're all in it and it's called 200 Motels.
Mark:
And I mean it is creative . . .
Jim:
Is he always like this?
Mark:
Who? Zappa?
Jim:
Mm-mmh.
Mark:
Yeah, ever since I've been in the band.
Howard:
We're rolling. We're rolling.
Jim:
We are? Oh.
Mark:
We're ro . . . Oh.
Jim:
Sorry.
Howard:
Take 2.
Mark:
Hi!
FZ:
Let's try another one, okay?
Mark:
Yeah.
Howard:
Okay.
Mark:
Sure, Frank. Ahemm ahemm. Hi!
FZ:
Let's try another one, okay?
Mark:
Yeah yeah, yeah. Fine. Just got it.
Jim:
He must have heard me.
Howard:
I think he did.
Jim:
Can he hear me in there when I . . .?
Howard:
He hears everything.
Mark:
Yeah, okay. Look at him, he's chewing a Baby Ruth in there.
Jim:
I've never been in a recording studio before.
Mark:
They're saving the little nuts for them!
Howard:
You've never been in a studio . . .
Jim:
Of course not.
Howard:
He's never been in a studio before.
Mark:
Puts 'em in his teeth, man.
Howard:
Zappa's never in a studio before . . .
FZ:
Let's try another one!
Mark:
Sure! Sure! We're ready, Frank. Rolling!
Howard:
Okay. Okay. Listen, I don't know what we're doing in here. It's kind of a mistake . . .
Mark:
We're advertising the . . .
Howard:
We have ten more minutes, man.
Mark:
Ten minutes . . . right.
Howard:
He's paying for this. It's a lucky thing, 'cause I have to leave quick.
Jim:
Listen.
Howard:
'Cause I gotta get out of it.
Jim:
My name is Jim.
Mark:
Hey!
Howard:
Hi, Jim.
Mark:
What's happened?
Jim:
Fred. He did introduce us.
Howard:
Oh, I'm Howard.
Mark:
This is Howard.
Jim:
How are you, Howard?
Howard:
We're from The Mothers, you know, the group you . . .
FZ:
You haven't met Jim. He's the bass player of the group.
Howard:
Oh.
Mark:
Oh.
Howard:
Oh. Well, the personnel changes so quick . . .
FZ:
Can we try it again, please?
Mark:
Yeah. Yeah.
Howard:
Okay. Mmh mmh . . .
Mark:
Okay. Sincere now, Howard. We're gonna make 'em believe that we love the movie.
Howard:
Well, we do love him. We love the movie and we loved being a part of it. But shlepping to make a commercial in this little rancid studio is not my idea of a good time.
Mark:
Right. We don't . . . Okay. Roll it, Frank! We're ready to go!
FZ:
Okay, let's take one now!
Mark:
Okay. Hi, kids!
Howard:
Hi!
Mark:
Hey . . .
Jim:
Hello. Hello.
Mark:
Howie here and Mark.
Howard:
Hey.
Jim:
Hello.
Mark:
Hey, you remember us?
Jim:
And . . . Jim?
Mark:
Those guys with the [shells]. Ha ha ha! Well, let me tell you . . .
Howard:
Oh, yes.
Mark:
We're in a big new movie that Frank produced and it's really coming out and it's, it's no, no kidding around this time. We wanna tell . . .
Howard:
What's it called?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning
Jim:
You are dreaming . . .
Howard:
I'm so sleepy today.
Mark:
Howard, listen to the album! On United Artists. It's got the Royal Philharmonic . . .
Howard:
I just love the Royal Philharmonic.
Mark:
It's got The Mothers Of Invention, it's got a whole choir of singers and they're singing songs about . . .
A Swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven, honey, how do it feel?
Howard:
Ooh . . . Oh . . .
Two Hundred Motels
FZ:
Let's try another one! Okay?
Howard:
Okay.
Mark:
What is wrong, what's wrong with him? I mean . . . man.
Howard:
. . . there's money we're spending . . .
Jim:
He's always like this?
Mark:
It's a good thing he's paying.
Howard:
It's not always like this, I mean, sometimes the guy can't see . . .
Mark:
. . . I wanna tell you . . .
Engineer:
We're rolling.
Mark:
Yeah.
Jim:
How long is this gonna take?
Howard:
I don't know, man, we've been here a couple hours.
Mark:
Let me tell you, it's a good thing we get paid to do this.
Howard:
Yeah.
Jim:
We were supposed to be out of here an hour ago.
Howard:
Is your old lady picking you up, man?
Mark:
No, man, I rode with Jim.
Howard:
Oh, yeah? Well listen, I hope this commercial stuff gets out of the way. The guy makes a movie and he goes off the deep end, you know what I mean?
Mark:
Really, he thinks he's Fellini or something.
Howard:
Yeah, and he gets us to come out here and make all these cheap commercials. You know, we're supposed to say, "United Artists presents 200 Motels. Murakami Wolf/Bizarre Productions. And it's got The Mothers Of Invention and it's got Theodore Bikel and it's got Ringo Starr and it's got all sort of weirdness there," you know.
Mark:
Who wants to hear that stuff?
Howard:
I mean, I don't know if I can . . . I mean who's gonna buy a movie with newts and concentration camps?
Mark:
Anyway after all the things that Zappa's promised anyway for the last five years, movie-wise . . .
Howard:
Yeah, they don't even think it is a movie now. I mean . . .
Jim:
I'm not even in the movie. I was hitch-hiking on Sunset.
Howard:
That's right! You never made that movie.
Jim:
No.
Howard:
That was cool to do and all but I, you know, a cheap get-off I mean. I don't know what we're doing on here. Lookit, man, it's almost ten minutes of eight.
Mark:
Well . . .
Howard:
What do you think, uh? Good thing we're getting paid to do this.
Mark:
It's always the same.
Howard:
Where's Zappa?
Mark:
I mean, he says, "Do it," we do it and we do it.
Howard:
What's it called?
Mark:
200 Motels.
Howard:
200 Motels.
Mark:
Not 2000 Motels, and it's not a documentary, it's a silly fun-filled event.
Howard:
There's lots of music and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.
FZ:
Did you read the press kit? Make your eyebrows go up and down.
Mark:
Oh, yeah, make your . . . Hey!
Howard:
Hey! Oh!
FZ:
That's it! Let's try another one!
Mark & Howard:
Okay!
Mark:
Okay. Hey. Take it, Howie!
Howard:
Hey, thanks a lot, kids, and hiya, hiya, hiya! We're three guys from The Mothers Of Invention and I wanna tell you we've got a snazzy new movie for you to see in your . . .
Mark:
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Jim:
Wait, really.
Mark:
Why don't you say something, Jim?
Jim:
I just, I'm not, I just hitchhiked, I was hitchhiking and Frank picked me up and said, uh, come in . . .
Mark:
"You wanna be in the band?," right?
Jim:
He wanted me to talk 'cause I have a low voice or something. I don't really know what's happening, man.
Howard:
He pays me to sing 'cause I've got a high one!
Mark:
He pays me to sing 'cause I can sing higher than Howie!
Howard:
That's right.
Jim:
Is this, is this supposed to be a commercial?
Howard:
This is supposed to be a commercial for . . .
Mark:
Commercial . . .
FZ:
Ha! Let's try another one!
Howard:
Hey! Another one!
Mark:
Yeah. Ah, this is a commercial for the movie 200 Motels. You haven't heard anything about it?
Jim:
No. What?
Mark:
Theodore Bikel's in it.
Jim:
What? 200 Motels?
Howard:
Ringo Starr's in it.
Mark:
Keith Moon! Where've you been at, man?
Howard:
All The Mothers Of Invention.
Mark:
. . . It's been in Rolling Stone and stuff . . .
Jim:
I just came down from Big Sur.
Mark:
Oh, no wonder, Esalen out there.
Howard:
Oh . . . no pants on. Can you tell right away.
Mark:
Oh, he's naked through the trees.
Jim:
What about 200 Motels?
Mark:
Oh, it's a movie. United Artists. They gave him Frank the money and get a movie.
Howard:
That's right. Finally a movie. It's thrilling. It's good and everything.
Mark:
. . . Got some cartoon and stuff.
Howard:
It's a double record set with a, with poster and a book.
Mark:
A double record set with a poster and a book and uh, Howard's in it!
Jim:
And he makes you guys stand in here and . . .
Howard:
Well, you know . . .
Mark:
He makes us do everything.
Howard:
You've gotta get some bread even if you wanna drop out.
Jim:
Yeah, yeah.
Mark:
You know, man, it's hard.
Jim:
That's why I came to Hollywood.
Howard:
To drop out?
Jim:
Yeah. No, to make some bread.
Howard:
Then you can drop out.
Jim:
Yeah.
Howard:
Gonna get your head together?
Mark:
Head together. Sorta.
Jim:
Yeah. But I'll make it.
Howard:
Yeah. I don't blame you.
Jim:
Does he pay you for this?
Howard:
Well, you know . . .
Mark:
Well . . . let's discuss . . .
Jim:
Tell me about the movie.
Mark:
Well, the movie is long, it's full length, yeah.
Howard:
Oh, it's a full length feature. Oh, and it's, it's really interesting, I mean.
Mark:
The drive in.
Howard:
Even if you weren't into the kind of a, of a social rock perverse avant garde commentary that this movie proposes to be, you would get off cheaply.
Mark:
It's an 'R.'
Howard:
Yeah.
Jim:
Is it?
Howard:
But it's clean.
Mark:
Not the least bit offensive.
Howard:
Not even to your . . .
Jim:
Is it out soon?
Mark:
Out soon.
Howard:
Out now!
Mark:
I think you'd like it.
Jim:
Who's in it?
Howard:
Oh . . .
Mark:
Ah, I'm in it.
Howard:
Oh, I'm in it.
Jim:
Yeah?
Howard:
Yeah.
Mark:
And who cares who else is in it?
Howard:
Once you got us, man, there you go, you know.
Mark:
I mean, Ringo Starr's in it, but he looks like Frank through the whole movie.
Howard:
Yeah. Theodore Bikel's in it, but he talks with a funny accent.
Mark:
Oh, Frank's back, Frank's back.
FZ:
Listen. You think you can explain a little bit more about how inoffensive it is?
Mark:
Sure.
Howard:
Mmm . . .
Mark:
It's not offensive at all!
Jim:
Is it rated 'R'?
Mark:
Rated 'R.' But it's clean. I mean there are some things in it that . . .
Jim:
I would think any movie Frank Zappa produced would be . . .
Howard:
Well, you see. But that's the fallacy, that the image of the thing . . .
Mark:
Don't say "fallacy." Don't ever say "fallacy."
Howard:
I didn't ever say that.
Mark:
Because it is . . .
Howard:
This movie is not offensive.
Jim:
Is there any nudity?
Howard:
Well, uh . . .
Mark:
Well, umm . . .
Jim:
Of course, well, I'm . . .
Howard:
But the body is such a beautiful thing . . . I mean, you know. . .
Mark:
You can't say that it's offensive. I mean, you know, it's got a . . .
Howard:
I mean, you come from Big Sur, don't you?
Mark:
It's got a dog in it!
Jim:
Yes, I do.
Howard:
You hitchhiked from Big Sur?
Jim:
But I'm 69 years old too.
Howard:
Well . . .
Mark:
You're 69?
Howard:
It's never too late.
Jim:
Yeah. I've been living in Big Sur.
Howard:
All these years? No wonder he didn't know that 200 Motels was coming out.
Mark:
All these years . . . No wonder.
Jim:
Are there any four-letter words?
Mark:
Four-letter.
Howard:
Four-letter words . . .
Mark:
Well, I mean to you they might seem offensive, four-letter words, but to me, I mean I am free, you know?
Jim:
Of course. You got, you have long hair.
Howard:
Cleansed.
Mark:
Liberated.
Howard:
Liberated?
Mark:
Thank you. And I, to me four-letter words are as, you know . . .
Jim:
Right.
Mark:
. . . natural as the driven snow.
Howard:
Yeah. I've often said that.
Jim:
Right. You're typical.
Howard:
Typical of the young.
Jim:
Typical of the wandering youth.
Howard:
The long-haired, uh . . .
Jim:
Yeah . . .
Howard:
What's the matter with you, old man?
Jim:
Well, I don't know.
Howard:
What do you got, the downs on us or something?
Mark:
It's not offensive.
Jim:
Not against you personally, not against you personally.
Howard:
It's releasing, man, I mean . . . Who is this guy?
Jim:
I told you.
Mark:
I think it's Frank's dad.
Jim:
No, no, no.
Howard:
You pick up the weirdest guys on the road, I'm telling you. Look at his teeth . . .
Mark:
Hey, Frank! Who is this guy?
FZ:
This is Jim Pons, our new bass player!
Howard:
Oh, you're not in the movie?
Jim:
No, I'm not in the movie.
Mark:
Oh, well, I can see why you're so . . .
Howard:
No wonder he's bitter.
Mark:
Oh, bitter.
Howard:
Bitter . . . old hard cheese.
Mark:
Right. "I'm not in the movie, it can't be good." Right, Jim? Right?
Jim:
Right. Well. No.
Howard:
I'll tell you, man. The movie didn't offend me.
Mark:
Oh, me neither.
Howard:
I mean, I, I consider myself, you know . . .
Mark:
I mean, I have been offended before.
Howard:
People have called me a professional liberal but they've also said wild-eyed radical. So, who's to say, you know what I mean?
Mark:
Oh, I know what you mean.
Howard:
Yeah, well. Who's this guy?
Mark:
You know what he means?
Jim:
I have no idea what any of you mean. I was hitchhiking on the, on Sunset Boulevard . . .
FZ:
Tell 'em about the album.
Jim:
Frank Zappa stopped me and said, "Hey, uh, I've just decided with the rest of the fellas that the next person that I stop and pick up hitchhiking would be the bass player in my band."
Mark:
Mmmh . . .
Jim:
I don't . . .
FZ:
Just like Martin!
Howard:
Just like Martin.
Jim:
I have no, I don't even know how to play bass, much less what a bass is.
Howard:
Oh, you'll fit into the group real good.
Jim:
You know, I'm just standing here just trying to watch you, guys, and see how the record industry operates.
Howard:
Record? We've got an album that comes from this movie.
Jim:
That's what I heard.
Howard:
It's not offensive either.
Mark:
No, no, it isn't.
Howard:
No.
Mark:
Got lots of good music on it.
Jim:
What is, a soundtrack?
Howard:
Good songs. Yes, a soundtrack. It's a double record set. It's got the Royal Philharmonic . . .
Mark:
Two, that means, that means four sides. Double record set.
Howard:
Double. We're going too fast with the variety terms.
Howard:
Yeah. He's an old man.
Jim:
You mean two actually, two actually records, two actually . . .
Howard:
Yes, two records. Four sides.
Mark:
Two actual records. Got a little book.
Howard:
Turn it over, you know.
Mark:
Got a little book inside with a poster.
Howard:
Burp.
Mark:
16 uh . . .
FZ:
Hi, guys.
Howard:
Hi, Frank.
Mark:
Hi, Frank.
FZ:
How's the session, guys?
Howard:
Oh, good. Who is this guy you picked up, man?
Mark:
Who is this bass player?
FZ:
This is Jim Pons, he used to work with The Turtles.
Howard:
Hi, Jim.
Mark:
Hey, Jim.
Jim:
Howard.
Howard:
A pleasure, man.
Mark:
How you doing?
Jim:
Mark.
Mark:
Good to meet you.
Howard:
Yeah. Good to see you.
Jim:
Sorry, I had no chance to introduce myself earlier.
Howard:
Well, I'm a little shy about introducing myself.
Jim:
I was just down on Wilcox.
FZ:
I want, I want . . .
Howard:
Oh, yeah.
FZ:
Would you guys read part of this?
Mark:
Sure. Sure.
Howard:
Okay. Would you like any specific kind of . . .
Mark:
Maybe Jim should use, do that part.
FZ:
Yeah.
Jim:
Well, you know, I've never . . .
Mark:
Well, see, it can't be that hard.
Howard:
Yeah. Come on, man. I mean . . .
Mark:
Let me get a music stand.
Howard:
I saw six foot newts! I saw concentration camps . . .
Jim:
Those are only the things you see in your dreams.
Howard:
That's what I said to myself.
Mark:
They are not dreams, Howard, they are real. And they are at a theater or a drive-in and they are United Artists and they are Frank Zappa. They are 200 Motels.
