Scene 19-20: "Special Delivery"
Rance Muhammitz (Theodore Bikel):
Special delivery for Mister Volman! Mister Volman? Are you Volman?
Mark & Howard:
Rance Muhammitz
Rance
Rance
Rance Muhammitz:
Muhammitz
Muhammitz
Muhammitz
Mark:
In a steaming briefcase!
Rance Muhammitz:
You're Volman!
Howard:
Yeah— No! No. He's Volman. Who are you?
Rance Muhammitz:
You must call me Rance Muhammitz.
Howard:
Funny you should mention it, we already did. I said "Rance" and he said "Muhammitz" just a few minutes ago at the beginning of that song.
Rance Muhammitz:
Of course you did, lads. I was sitting across the street in a fake night club with an Indian gentleman when suddenly I felt the need on your behalf to communicate with me. There was a need. Wasn't there? Or you wouldn't have called, would you?
Jeff (Martin):
Well, uh, we didn't actually call you. We just said "Rance" and "Muhammins" a couple times . . .
Mark:
We said "Ruth!" in there a few times, does that count?
All:
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!
Rance Muhammitz:
I'm known by many names, and I'm at your service whenever you choose to call.
Jeff (Martin):
You're the mail man in this town, right?
Rance Muhammitz:
You are Simmons. No. Brambell. No! You are Lickert. Correct? Yes! Yes, Lickert, I do a few odd jobs here in Centerville. I am sort of the general proprietor of all its major industries, its lakes, its parks, its lavish recreational facilities. Its homes. One day you fix an election, the next day you deliver the mail. Heh heh. We in government have a wide range of services to perform for the man in the street. By the way, Mister Volman, I have . . . your cheeseburger. Would you care to sign for it?
Mark:
(Sniff, sniff) Mmmh . . .
Jeff (Martin):
Hey, you gonna eat that cheeseburger, Mark?
Mark:
Fuckin' guy'll eat anything.
Rance Muhammitz:
This is registered delivery. You will have to sign for it.
Jeff (Martin):
Sure, man, I'll sign. Where's the pencil?
Rance Muhammitz:
I don't wish to alarm you, my son, but the signature will have to be . . . in blood.
Jeff (Martin):
Don't have any blood, I'm too wan.
Rance Muhammitz:
Then we'll rent some blood. You still must sign! You took the mystery burger! You are in full possession of . . . the burger! Do you know who I am? Hum? Do you know who . . . I really am?
Mark:
Really, man, who . . . do you think . . . you are?
Jeff (Martin):
Yeah, you want me to tell you who . . . I really think you are?
Howard:
Oh, somebody tell me . . . who is this guy?
