I Can Get Us In
Phil: Hello Karen? Yeah, it's Phil, listen, you wanna check out that new club Pandemonium with me tonight? No, I can get us in, definitely. Listen. It's supposed to be fabulous. Andy's gonna be there, and David, and Mick, and Liza, and everybody. You should go and get some fresh air, c'mon. It's supposed to have all this art from all over the place and, and six bars made of glass. And they're gonna have tons of free food tonight—champagne, frog's legs, caviar, Stoli, prawns, roast pigeon; they're gonna have a giant steer on a spit roasting in the middle of everything. Whadda ya mean it sounds gross? It sounds great! It even has a vomitorium like in Ancient Rome. I'll tell you what it is later. Listen. Yeah c'mon Karen you gotta go, c'mon it'll be great. You'll love it. Plus, Joey told me they're gonna have a live human sacrifice in the basement. It's gonna be a riot! Of course. No! They, they just get some actor to do it. No, they really kill him—these actors they do anything for money. Oh c'mon you gotta go Karen, yeah. You don't have to watch, c'mon. Every model in the city's gonna be there. Yeah, Hollywood agents are gonna be there, everybody, nobody's gonna miss this, are you kidding? C'mon. I'll even dance with you, c'mon. I can't get in without a date. OK. OK. So eleven o'clock OK. Alright. Alright. And listen, listen, Karen, Karen—wear that dress you've got with the nipples cut out. Yeah. OK, I'll see you later. OK. Bye!
Scott Fungus: And listen, I'm gonna be down at the um new club, uh, Pandemonium, tonight, a little bit later on; because uh, uh there's gonna be a performance artist down there I've been told, who's going to be doing some very interesting performance. Um, in case you don't know what performance artists do, um I suggest that you check it out. Or, you could pray the prayer right now to become a performance artist yourself. So join me now as we pray the performance artist prayer:
Dear, sweet Jesus;
give me the power to do stuff
that is inane,
incompetent,
useless,
and not even entertaining.
Yiddish Man: The secret is imagination, being creative. Now see, that's what I want to see in entertainment, Sid. We need more. Why not a sitcom about uh a pickle salesman? Why not? Why not a regular series on the, the Holocaust? Not enough been on the Holocaust yet. Enough on the Schwartzes already, I can't take it anymore! Yeah, we need more of our people. Why not a show on a typical Hasidic diamond merchant?
Prostitute: Hey you! You! The guy with the black hat and the ringlets! C'mere! Hey, honey—I like that black coat you're wearing. Huh? Come over here. C'mon, I'll give ya what your mamma can't give ya. C'mon, c'mere. She doesn't know how to do this. C'mon, c'mere. Oh c'mon cutie pie. C'mon. Let me look at that diamond ring. C'mon. Here we go. C'mon. Yeah, it will cost you money.
Yiddish Man: What do you want? I can't take it anymore! Too many gimmicks. Where's Elliot, Barbara, where's the people we need? Where? Where? I don't see them no more. And Broadway! All this homo baloney—nobody wants that shit. Grown men in tutus running around, kicking and bullshit. We need something imaginative. How about eh, Funny Girl 2? Fiddler on the Roof 2? Exodus 2? You know what I'm saying Sid; we're talking creative here, we're talking imaginative here. Huh, oh anyway listen, I gotta get off the phone. I talk to you tomorrow—my pedicurist is here, alright? Sid— Alright. Huh-how's the weather in Florida?
Cop: We get all kinds down here—the freaks, the weirdoes, the tough guys. Gets scary sometimes, sure, but see—our job is to preserve the law, and we do our job. We don't let fear get in our way. This is a 500-watt cattle prod. Very useful tool in law enforcement. If you're inserting the prod into the mouth cavity, just grab the head like so. just grab a hunk of that hair. this ethnic hair is easy to grab. And then just ram the baby right in the mouth.
[mmph-gurgle-whoargh]
Dan: Hi, I'm Dan, and I'd like to do it with you any way you want it. Mmm—come here. Let me play with your breasts.
[choking sounds]
Ahh, open your mouth
[more choking]
Cop: Now, they'll struggle a little bit. They'll, they'll say things like that to ya. Don't answer them. Don't let it get to ya. Its just part of the job. And don't touch the cuffs unless you're grounded, alright? Always the danger of tetanus with ethnic types. That's why I prefer to uh, start with the cattle prod in the mouth. That way they really can't uh, y'know. Nobody's ever gonna bite you with their asshole.
Dan: Ahh. Doesn't this feel nice? Doesn't this feel terriffic? Mmm. Mmm. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh wait, wait, we have to break for a commercial. We'll be right back, with news on that death in just a minute.
Dealer: Yo right here we got it. Joints and bags. Joints and bags. Coke and smoke. Coke and smoke. Try before you buy, right here. Check it out. We got LSD, DMT, PCP, and XTC. Check it out. Goin' fast. You tried the rest now use the best. Yo, my man! Yo, slick! What you want man? What is it you want? Crack, smack, crystal, dust, ludes, downs, ups? Got some primo cocaine man, for yo big brain. Got flake, rock and base. Got smoke, stick and buzz. Check it out bro', don't pass me by without a try. Sensensensensen..{fades}
