Dave & Al
FZ:
Alright. Hey, listen. Before we go on to the next song I've got a really important piece of business I gotta take care of now. There's this guy that works for us—he sells the T-shirts. His name is David Ditkowich. Now some of you might know David and— and you— if you know him you realize that David is a lonely guy. He hasn't been pooched in three days. His nectar has built up so to speak and he asked me if I could help him get a girl tonight.
Now, normally I don't do this because, I mean, of course being a pimp is my hobby, but, in Ditkowich's case this is taking <it above and beyond the call of duty, as they say in the trade. So here's— here's the plan, somewhere out there, I know, somewhere in this building there is a girl—or a female-type object who desires the companionship of a nice Jewish boy who sells T-shirts.
Now, I'm gonna make you a two-for-one offer, here's the deal, if you're a girl and you wanna— and you wanna submit to Ditkowich's advances, if you'll go for Ditkowich and you got a friend or a sister that would like to spend some time with Al Malkin, who is ano— who is another dangerously lonely guy— Had a little problem here the other night. I understand, now I don't like to be spreading gossip around but, this is New York. Al is a very lonely person and he came here to the show the other night with his girlfriend, he introduced me to her in the back, she was a very nice person, they went and they sat in the audience to see the show. She says, "Excuse me for a minute, I'm go ge— gonna go get a drink," she disappeared, didn't come back until 5 o'clock in the morning, told—she was drunk—said, "Al, I hate you," in an Exorcist voice. And told him to move out.
Now, we got these two very nice people who need it. Now, as a matter of fact can we get a spotlight down here just so you see what the merchandise is like. This is David Ditkowich right here. Now, obviously he is nice, he is Jewish and he is a boy, right? So, you see what you're in for if you want— if you wanna do it with David just come down and introduce yourself there— Alright! See? What did I tell you? Congratulations! What's your name?
Karen:
Karen!
FZ:
Karen? I now pronounce you David and Karen. Off that way.
Alright! Now that's what I like about New York. You get results.
Now where's Malkin? If we can so the same thing for Malkin we'll really be doing it. Where is he? Maybe we'll find him later. Okay. What? Where? Al, come 'ere.
Ha ha . . . Ladies and gentlemen, this is my friend Al Malkin. He's also a very nice person. Would you like to give a sales pitch yourself?
Al Malkin:
Well, I'll tell ya, I don't know if there's anybody really cute, you know, and I stay away from, you know, young girls, anybody about eighteen or close, you know? Blond hair . . .
FZ:
He wants a virgin with nice breath.
Al Malkin:
Yeah, a virgin would be nice but . . .
FZ:
Right there. You?
Al Malkin:
No mustache.
FZ:
A volunteer right there? Where? No no. Oh, she's going, "No! No! Don't touch me! No! Get Away! No!" Oh, listen! Right. Right here! . . . What's your name?
Lisa:
Lisa.
FZ:
Lisa, this is Al.
Lisa:
It's happening to me!
Al Malkin:
It's happening.
FZ:
It's happening to you.
Al Malkin:
She has no idea what's gonna be happening to her!
FZ:
Well, who does anymore! It's the Twentieth Century!
Lisa:
This girl loves you. Chris. Tell her to come over here.
FZ:
Tell her to come over here? Come 'ere! . . . What's your name?
Chris:
Chris.
FZ:
Well, let the audience see you, come on!
Now, isn't this better than computer dating? Why don't you guys get over there and get acquainted?
Okay, on with the show!
Records on which this song has appeared
Singles
FZ Albums & Side Projects
CC Clues
- Quotes Stayin' Alive
