Conehead/"All You Need To Know"
Adrian: How I got in the band? It was very simple, see, I was playing crud in a Nashville crud auditorium, a little small crud club and uh, Frank happened to come in with this giant, huge, bald person of colored sort, and uh, heard me play for about 40 minutes and said, "You're so fantastic at this crud and you play the cheapest harmonica I've ever heard, why don't you come up to L.A. and audition for me?"
FZ: This is Phil Kaufman, ladies and gentlemen, a very fine road manager. This man is very fine. He has a story to tell about life on the road from his point of view. We're gonna interfere with his ideas quite a bit now, but . . .
Phil Parmet?: I was a cadet in the summer, no in the s— in the fall of '64 for six months in a Texas military institute. I was quite a terrible soldier, but I learned how to sing the Airborne Ranger song . . .
FZ: . . . and anybody else who wants to sing along, accompany him while he explains what he does for a living. OK? Hit it.
Terry: I . . . wait a minute.
Roy: There's his anus . . .
John Smothers: Oh my goodness. Terry has a poop chute. Terry's got the prettiest little poop chute goin' when he's takin' a shower. So I had to get towels for the boys to take showers. I had to see Terry's poop chute. And I think we got a couple bitches in the band, Frank.
Terry: Do you have a slip?
John Smothers: Yeah, I have a slip, I have a couple slips. I have a couple little girls there . . .
Adrian: And if you believe that, I got some real good swamp land I'd like to sell you in Florida . . .
Terry: What the fuck is this, man?
?: . . . baby boomer . . . this line of work . . . in New York City . . . you know, being a lawyer in New York City is . . . I'd like to tell . . . the rock & roll business. My first experience with rock & roll. You know, I . . .
Terry: The tradition of the iron sausage was further perpetuated by one of those private-like European urinal stalls, you know, they have those little walls between them. Where John said, "Boy, I gotta stand back," to make room for the salami, you know. But I really couldn't see, you know. And then, man, he made the mistake of, uh, changing into his karate pants one night when I was around. And finally, I looked over and said, "Man, I thought you had some salami in there!"
John Smothers: I told you, that shrunk up in the bay! Oh, Terry . . .
Terry: I love this man, I mean, Frank told me to come in and razz him. I don't want to razz him. I just wanna fuck Roy.
?: A simple little band of gold. A tight little gasbag is all that you'll need.
John Smothers: Here come the homos. Especially that little cute faggot in them pants.
FZ: We're gonna start off with uh, "Stink Foot" instead of the other one, just like I said before, ok? For the magic trick thing just have to find some place in the middle of the show where it feels like it's gonna work. And then for a vamp, just uh, play it like you were playing in a cocktail lounge . . . That's all you need to know. Yeah, it goes "Stink Foot" poodle, into "Dirty Love," and then into "Peaches." Okay? And Roy has to be on tap for the dance contest with the gas mask . . .
Roy: . . . or somebody . . .
FZ: Well, you carry it with you. It's like you've always got it, you know. In case you meet someone you like, you have to make him wear it. But it would be better if you could get one of the girls from the audience to actually put it on, and then take it off of her, because she's not good enough . . .
?: Okay, let's go, boys and girls . . .
Interviewer: What's the truth about Frank Zappa?
John Smothers: What's the truth about Frank? Frank is a hell of a musician. When I first started workin' for him, I was brought in for one week. And I told his last road manager, I said, "That son of a bitch is crazy, gimme my plane ticket, let me go home." And then he took a five piece band, and he started playin' symphony music, and that got me hooked, 'cuz I like classical music.