Fembot in A Wet T-Shirt Nite

Lyrics

Act I

SCENE FIVE
THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST

(After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due into the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by entering the Wet T-Shirt contest at The Brasserie...)

IKE:
Looks to me like something funny is goin on around here
There are people laughin and dancing an payin entirely too much for their beer
And they all think they’re clean outta sight
And they’re ready to party cos the sign out front says it’s Wet T-Shirt Night
And they all face some hot delights

All the girls are excited cos in a minute they’re gonna get wet
And the boys are delighted because all the titties will get em upset
And they all think they’ll boogy alright
And they’re ready to go cos the sign out front says it’s Wet T-Shirt Night
And they all crave some pink delight

When the water gets on them their ninnies get ridged and look pretty bold
It’s a common reaction that makes an attraction whenever it’s cold
And all the fellas that wish they could buy
All the cute little nuggets the local girls are showin off tonight
You know I think it serves ‘em right
You know I think it serves ‘em right
You know I think it serves ‘em right
You know I think it serves ‘em right
And it’s Wet T-shirt Time again
I know you want someone to show you some tits
Big ones,
Wet ones,
Big wet ones

(At this point, FATHER RILEY (who had been recently de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport coot and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY JONES) steps onto the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST EMCEE...)

BUDDY JONES:
Ah thanks, Ike! Yes it’s wet t-shirt time again…here at The Brasserie, home of the tits (HUHU). And it’s the charming Mary from Canoga Park up next in her bid for the semi-finals. Hi Mary, how you doin?

(Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does not recognize the former religious personage from her nights in therectory basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills. Confounded by his sport coat, she replies...)

MARY:
Hi!

(Realizing that she no longer recognizes him... or even appreciates the patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES, like a true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person, proceeds to say various stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy more exciting beverages. . . liquid products that will expand their consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami By Night...)

BUDDY JONES:
Where you from?

MARY:
Ah, the bus.

BUDDY JONES:
Which one?

MARY:
You know, the last tour. You know, leather.

BUDDY JONES:
Oh, you were the girl that was stuck to seat 38 on Phydeaux 3. Why don’t you get in position now and take a deep breath?

(Mary takes a deep breath.)

BUDDY JONES:
Because this water is very very cold.

MARY:
Ooh!

BUDDY JONES:
But it’s going to be so stimulating. And Mary’s the kind of red-blooded American girl who’ll do anything...

MARY:
Anything...

BUDDY JONES:
... I said anything for 50 bucks. That’s right.

MARY:
I really need the 50 bucks, you know, I gotta get home.

BUDDY JONES:
Yeah, I know. Your father is waiting for you in the tool shed. That’s right, you heard right, our big prize tonight is 50 American dollars to the girl with the most exciting murmelian protuberances!

MARY: Here I am!

BUDDY JONES:
As viewed through a thoroughly soaked stupid-looking white sort of male person’s conservative kind of middle-of-the road cotton under-garment. Whoopee!

MARY:
Haha

BUDDY JONES:
And here comes the water

(SPLASH)

MARY:
AH!

BUDDY JONES:
You know you’d squeak more if the water gone… Sounds like you just got an ice-pick in the forehead.

MARY:
Ahaha

BUDDY JONES:
And here comes the ice-pick in the forehead.

(DZZZzzzz)

MARY:
Oooh hahaha

BUDDY JONES:
A million laughs Mary. Anyway, good golly, what a mess, she’s totally soaked, tot…

MARY:
I love it

BUDDY JONES:
Yeah, totally committed to the 50 bucks. That’s it, just step into the spotlight, let the guys get a good look at you honey.

MARY:
Here I am

BUDDY JONES:
Whadda you say fellas? Nice in the jugs? Now Mary, hows about shaking it around a little?

MARY:
Oooh ooh ooh

BUDDY JONES:
Oh my goodness! Look at her go!

MARY:
I’m dancing. Ah!

BUDDY JONES:
Ain't this what living is really all about?

MARY:
Ahaha. Aha

BUDDY JONES:
Here’s your 50 bucks Mary.

MARY:
Oh great. Now I can go home. Oooh

BUDDY JONES:
Home is where the heart is.

MARY:
On the bus.

Records On Which This Song Has Appeared

FZ Albums & Side Projects

• Joe's Garage Act I