Titties 'n Beer

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It was the blackest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shinin'
'Cause the sky's too tight
I heard the scarey wind
I seen some ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin'
'Long the side of me

I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . . .
'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery

I noticed even the crickets
Were actin' weird up here
'N so I figured I might
Just drink a little beer
I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . . "
But there was no reply
'Cause she was gone . . .

"Where's those titties I like so well, 'n my goddamn beer!"
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise
Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil . . .
He's about this big . . .

He had a red suit on
An' a widow's peak
An' then a pointed tail
'N like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him awright,
I sweared I knowed it was
He had some human flesh
Stuck underneath his claws
You know, it looked to me
Like it was titty skin
I said, "You sonofabitch!"
'Cause I was mad at him,
Well he just got out his floss
'N started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter,

Then the sucker just laughed 'n said:

Oh, put it away . . .
You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say?

You ate my Chrissy?

Titties 'n all!

Well, what about the beer then, boy?

Ah . . . Were the cans this tall?

Even her boots?

Would I lie to you?

Shit, you musta been hungry!

Yes, this is true.

Don't they pay you good
For the stuff that you do?

Well, you know
I can't complain when the checks come through . . .

Well I want my Chrissy,
'N I want my beer
So you just barf it back up
Now, Devil, do you hear?

Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am the Devil,
Do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your
Titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here . . .

Yer goddam right, you

Don't call me that!

That's about the only reason I learned writin' for . . .
Gimme that paper . . . bet yer ass I will sign . . .
Because I need a beer,
'N it's titty-squeezin' time!

Man, you can't fool me . . . you ain't that bad . . .
I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had . . .

Oh, yeah?

Why there was Milhouse Nixon 'n Agnew, too . . .
'N both of those suckers was worse 'n you . . .

Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true
I mean, you're the Devil so . . .
Whatcha gonna do?

Terry: Wait a minute . . . a tinge of doubt crosses my mind when you say that you want to make a deal with me . . .
FZ: That's very, very true . . .
Terry: Wait . . . you ain't supposed to wanna make a deal with me
FZ: Ah, but I'm slightly different than your average customer, Devil . . .
Terry: But, wait . . . but most people don't want to make a deal with me . . . Wha . . .
FZ: Yeah . . .
Terry: What's your story?
FZ: Well, most people are afraid of you, see? They don't know how stupid you are . . . I happen to know that you jack off to a picture of Punky Meadows when you get home . . .
Terry: Grrah . . . Stupid . . . Grrh . . .
FZ: You know . . . ever since that guy told you that he contained more fluid than Jeff Beck you've been tryin' to outdo him . . . Awright, look, I'm gonna say one thing to you . . . this may not register right away, but let me say this . . . leave your pickle alone for a couple of nights, you know what I mean . . . ? Now, come on! I'm only interested in a couple of things . . . (Wait, is that a note for me? Is somebody passing me a note? What does this say . . . ? "Frank, please do me a favour, I can't find a brother of mine, I could dig it if you could call him from stage. His name is Dirty Tom Nomads M.C.," signed "Thanks, Bear" or "Bean," I can't tell . . . Well, if he's out there . . . Dirty Tony De La Nomads M.C. get in touch with Bean or Bear . . . ) And as I was sayin', Devil, I'm an average sort of a person, I'm . . . you wouldn't believe it, but . . . I'm very much like the people here in this audience tonight . . .
Terry: What?
FZ: I think we definitely have something in common . . .
Terry: Wait a minute, I thought you had funny things growing in your hair and all that other stuff . . . I thought . . . write weird music, you know, I thought . . .
FZ: Listen . . .
Terry: . . . biker and everything, I mean, shit, you know?
FZ: . . . listen carefully . . .
Terry: . . . big tittie chic that you just had out here with the camera, I mean, you know . . .
FZ: Listen carefully to me, oh, Devil . . .
Terry: Uh-huh . . .
FZ: I'm only interested in two things
Terry: Yeah . . .
FZ: See if you can guess what they are
Terry: I would think . . . uh . . . let's see, maybe . . . uh . . .
FZ: Well, I'll give you . . .
Terry: Stravinsky . . . and, uh . . .
FZ: I'll give you two clues . . .
Terry: . . . let's see . . . uh . . .
FZ: Let go of your pickle
Terry: What?
FZ: Let go of your pickle!
Terry: I'm not holding my pickle
FZ: Well, who's holding your pickle then?
Terry: I don't know . . . ha! She's out in the audience . . . Hey, Dale, would you like to come up here and hold my pickle to satisfy this weird man out here on the stage?
FZ: You're probably wondering why we call it a pickle . . .
Ray: Ha ha ha!
Terry: Oh, no . . .
FZ: I don't . . . I hate . . . I hate to squeal on you, Bozzio, I mean, Devil . . . but, look, I'm only interested in two things . . .
Terry: Now, wait a minute . . . all I have to say is God help me! . . . Even though I have this . . . this fucking mask on . . .
FZ: Ha ha ha ha ha . . . ! Listen, if you think that mask looks bad, you oughta see his pickle . . . I'm only interested in two things, that's titties and beer, you know what I mean?
Terry: What?
FZ: Yeah . . .
Terry: Titties and beer?
FZ: Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . .
Terry: (Growling) Whoa, I don't know if you're the right guy!
FZ: . . . titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . .

No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think . . .
I mean . . .

FZ: Alright!

Hold on a second, boy . . .
'Cause that's Magic Ink!

And then the Devil let go of his pickle
'N out jumped m'girl
They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN'
All around the world, she said:


Then she gave us the finger,
It was rigid 'n stiff,
That's when the Devil, he farted
An' she went right over the cliff

(Whoa . . . Tinsel Time!)
Well, the Devil was mad
I took off to my pad
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do de . . .

FZ: Awright . . . awright, that . . . that's enough for the Devil and his famous pickle . . . We're goin' to make another dramatic if . . . if somewhat . . . rickety segue into another song called Cruisin' For Burgers, wait a minute . . .

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Notes About This Song

The Devil mentions that he has the souls of Milhouse Nixon and Agnew too and that "both of those suckers were worse than you." At the time Nixon was forced to resign because of the Watergate Affair and Agnew due to bribery. Both were symbols of the corruption of the Nixon administration.

After 1979, when Zappa performed this song live, he sometimes changed the name of the soul that the Devil had into Khomeini.

CC Clues In This Song