While recovering from his injuries in the summer of 1972, FZ wrote a musical science-fiction script for a two-act Broadway stage production. FZ designed the costumes, stage instructions and the musical score for "Hunchentoot", which would require a 42-member cast (musicians included). The main character in Hunchentoot is Drakma (Queen of Cosmic Greed), an alien that wants to invade Earth. Other characters were the title character (The Giant Spider), Durk, six Forceling players, a 22-piece orchestra and a 10-voice chorus. Hunchentoot was never staged. However near the end of the life Zappa tried to find a director to film it. He approached Terry Gilliam and the crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000, but eventually nothing came of it.
- DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed): an evil 7 1/2 foot space-girl who lives on a mysterious unknown planet, and who, obviously, has a sinister plan to conquer the very Earth itself.
- HUNCHENTOOT (The Giant Spider): DRAKMA’s miserable, hyper-negroid (harmonica virtuoso) love-slave.
- DURK: a shifty Earthling con-man of the future and part-time religious fanatic who leads a group of mutant Alpha-Meditators known as the FORCE-LINGS, and also plays a little trumpet.
- NARRATOR: a rumpled, balding, 60 year old professor sort of, who speaks well and with a slight English accent.
- FORCELING #1: he is not so smart.
- FORCELING #2: he is not so smart either.
- FORCELINGS #3, #4, #5, #6: three female and one male; dancer-mimes who occasionally engage in choral speech and pretend to play musical instruments.
- Orchestra (22 pieces)
- 6 woodwinds (all tripling)
- 5 brass
- 4 strings (all electric)
- 2 percussion
- 1 multi-keyboard player
- 1 synthesizer player
- 1 guitar (6, 12 & mandolin)
- 1 bass player (upright & Fender)
- 1 drummer
- Chorus (10 voices)
- 3 sopranos
- 2 altos
- 1 tenor
- 2 baritones
- 2 basses
The songs were:
- Overture (maybe Variant Processional March a.k.a. Regyptian Strut)
- Time Is Money
- The Human Mind Is The Ultimate Power/We Are The Force-Lings
- Think It Over
- Hunchentootin' Blues
- Spider Lady
- Spider Lady (reprise)
- Spider Of Destiny
- Think It Over (reprise)
- The Planet Of My Dreams
The revised script shows "The Planet Of My Dreams" as "The Earth, My Earth", and the new title "Maximum Potential" is the same as "Spider Lady". This revision also includes the instrumental jam "Space Boogie", "Prelude To Act Two Of Hunchentoot" and "Hunchentoot The Pimp", and a new title "It Will Fall Down" is included in the running order along with a retitling of "Spider Of Destiny (reprise)" as "De-Story".
The Special Requirements
Quadraphonic Sound System with 2 engineers (one for mixing, the other to execute the audio modification on the voices of DRAKMA and HUNCHENTOOT):
- 10 KeePexes
- 3 wireless microphones & receivers
- 3 ring modulators
- 3 phasers
- 1 balanced modulator
- 2 voltage-controlled filters
- 2 envelope generators
- 1 quad recorder for 4 channel echo FX
- 2 voltage-controlled amplifiers
- 2 Advent cassette decks for sound FX
- 1 stereo EMT (or piano-reverb device) earphone monitoring system
Also required: full lighting, plus strobes (1 red, 1 blue, 1 green) and a large screen.
The Musical Specifics
All orchestra instruments are to be amplified and fed to the central quad board.
THE BRASS (2 trumpets 2 trombones, 1 bass trombone / tuba) are all taken by individual microphones (close range).
THE WOODWINDS (assorted) are all transducerized or bugged. Their initial output is fed to individual volume/wah-wah pedals, the into individual Echoplexes, finally into 6 [rented] ACOUSTIC STUDIO AMPS (which contain individual microphones directly in front of each speaker, allowing a balanced EQ'd feed to the mix board as well as individual.
THE STRINGS (2 violins, 1 viola, 1 cello, and the upright bass when used) are all transducerized and fed through individual volume/wah-wah pedals (except for the upright bass which also uses an Echoplex after the pedal), also employing 5 [rented] ACOUSTIC STUDIO AMPS.
THE PERCUSSION (including ElectroVibes transducerized marimba, transducerized timpani, bells, chimes and various drums, gongs, and noisemakers) are all fed to the main board and returned to their section in a mono monitor mix. The transducerized marimba is a special-purchase apparatus that would provide individual pick-ups for each marimba bar. These pick-ups, when fed to a resistor chain would make it possible for any passage covering the full range of the instrument to zip around the audience in a quad orbit (aside from making the instrument more valuable as an orchestral voice due to improved audibility).
THE MULTI-KEYBOARDS (Hammond Organ, grand piano, tack piano, electric harpsichord, Wurlitzer, Fender-Rhodes with ring modulator) are taken direct when purely electronic, and transducerized when acoustic (grand & tack), with the exception of the Hammond. The Leslie on the Hammond is to be miked in quad and isolated from the other instruments, enabling assorted mysterious ethereal effects to be generated in an 'audience-surround' mode.
THE SYNTHESIZER SECTION (1 ARP, 1 mini-moog) is used as an instrumental voice(s) and for sound FX purposes. The ARP output is taken stereo 'direct' into the board. The Mini-Moog output is a mono direct feed to a quad pan-pot on the master board. The player monitors himself on a small amp.
THE GUITARIST (electric 6, electric 12, electric mandolin, and transducerized acoustic 6) will require a stereo 'direct' from a pair of ACOUSTIC STUDIO AMPS.
THE BASS (upright transducerized etc., and Fender) is received from an ACOUSTIC STUDIO AMP.
THE DRUMS (snare drum, bass drum, 3 tom-toms, hi-hat, ride/crash/rivet & tiny cymbals, plus 4 cow bells and tambourine) are to be received in quad and miked in this manner: 1 bass drum mike, I snare/hi-hat mike, 1 mike each tom-tom , 1 over- head mike, favoring the cow bells. The bass drum front head should be removed, as well as the bottom tom-tom heads. The overhead and tom-tom mikes should all be KeePexed tightly, and reconstituted with the EMT in deep mode (or its equivalent). The player can monitor the whole mix via headphones.
The Stage Setting
The right side of the stage is "THE EARTH" during the FORCELINGS pre-flight warm-up and the finale. The FORCELINGS' secret headquarters is represented by a table, 7 chairs and a brick wall flat with 'modern groovy posters' on it. Once the FORCELINGS have made their arrival on DRAKMAS planet, the brick wall is whisked away on little rollers to reveal another flat with outer space decor.
The left side of the stage is "THE UNKNOWN SIZABLE CHUNK OF SPACE DEBRIS", represented by a grotesquely tufted maroon sofa (large), an obviously fraudulent mountain (small), with a cave in it (front wall is cheese-cloth translucent), housing a common brass bed, a bed table, a lamp, and hot magazines. Also visible outside the cave is a pink bullet-head hair dryer, an illuminated (obviously cheap) control panel, and an assortment of tiny papier-mâché volcanoes emitting quaint smoke.
The center-rear-elevated-to-various- levels part of the stage is occupied by the orchestra. The chorus is housed in a glass isolation booth behind the FORCELINGS' brick wall. Suspended over the orchestra is a large screen for rear projection.
The NARRATOR speaks from a formal lector at the top of a scaffold tower located center stage.
NOTE: DURING THE FINALE SPECIAL PROPS INCLUDE SEVERAL BUSHELS OF RELIGIOUS PAMPHLETS, A 10 FOOT REPLICA OF A PROPHYLACTIC VENDING MACHINE (INCLUDING DECAL OF SEMI-NUDE MAIDEN WITH INFLAMED SCARLET NIPPLES) AND A SPECIALLY MADE FILM CLIP DEPICTING THE RETURN TO EQUIVALENT EARTH AND SUBSEQUENT LANDING IN A FUTURISTIC SLUM.
The Audio Specifics
HUNCHENTOOT’S costume head-gear will provide concealment for wireless mike #1, which is received and processed through the first ring modulator (to make his voice deeper and gruffer) before it is broadcast through the PA.
DRAKMA’S costume breastplate will contain a sort of cosmic telephone operator's microphone holder for wireless mike #2, to be processed through phaser #1 (for vocals) and/or the balanced modulator for dialog. The balanced modulator (Moog Frequency Shifter) has-a stereo output which will enable DRAKMA’S voice to ascend in pitch on the right side of the theater and descend in pitch on the left side simultaneously providing a suitably mysterious effect (which is easily controlled).
DURK'S lines will be received via wireless mike #3, which is a small hand-holdable version, dangling like an amulet around his neck (he can fondle it to speak), and is unprocessed before amplification.
THE FORCELINGS' dialog is to be picked up from concealed fixed position mikes.
THE NARRATOR'S mike is a fixed position mike and is processed through reverb before amplification.
THE CHORUS is received from 5 mikes on stands behind the right hand flat. Ring Modulators #2 and #3, as well as phasers #2 and #3 will be used to process their voices. Their amplified output is to be broadcast in an evenly panned surround mode. They will monitor themselves and a mono mix of the accompaniment through headphones.
THE ORCHESTRA is subject to mixing and processing through the 2 voltage-controlled filters, the 2 envelope Generators, the 2 voltage-controlled filters, the 4 channel tape delay (Sony Quad 1/4 inch machine) and the EMT reverb. Sectional outputs may be governed by keying from other voices or instruments via the KeePexes.
THE KEEPEXES will be used to eliminate noises (shuffling, mumbling, waiting., coughing, etc.) from the chorus mikes, the three wireless mikes, the NARRATOR mike, and the brass section mikes. This device automatically turns the volume down on a given audio channel when there is not sufficient information coming through to trigger it. This will greatly relieve mixing problems. The device can also be used to turn other instruments or voices on or off in relation to a specific pulse [the bass drum could key the intermittent entrances of a held chord in the brass].
THE LESLIE isolated backstage will be received via 4 mikes. It will not only broadcast the Hammond organ, but will be equipped with a feed from the mix board, making it possible with careful scheduling, to use it as a modifying device for vocals and instruments. Because it is being miked in quad, material fed through it, when finally broadcast into the theater, will appear to swirl ethereally or hang in space over the audience, the rate of travel being easily controlled by the KEYBOARD PLAYER using the speed switch on the Hammond. The receive from the 4 Leslie mikes should be tightly KeePexed and reconstituted through the EMT to avoid any unpleasant mechanical noises when not in use.
FOR ANY FURTHER PRODUCTION INFORMATION, CONSULT COSTUME DESIGN ILLUSTRATIONS, STAGING BLUEPRINTS, MUSICAL SCORE, WIRING DIAGRAMS, AND/OR THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT.
The "Them Or Us BOOK" contains the entire script to "Hunchentoot" (pages 184-253), the story of a space-girl known as Drakma, "Queen Of Cosmik Greed", who is trying to take over the Earth with a giant spider known as Hunchentoot. Then show up several earthlings trying to promote a religous tour who can travel through time and space with the power of ESP. Drakma orders Hunchentoot to eat the earthlings, but Hunchentoot will spare them if their leader can find Hunchentoot some "spiderpussy".
As the performance begins, the only thing lit and visible on the stage should be the orchestra (garbed in space suits). They begin The Overture, and, as they play, THE NARRATOR (with dumpy scientist clothes, including white smock and protruding slide rule) creeps stealthily toward the scaffold, climbs it, mops his brow, waits for the music to subside.
Off to one side of the Death Chamber there is an iron gate. Behind it lurks THE HIDEOUS BEAST FROM THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WAREHOUSE, dangling dangerously on the end of his visible nylon string, fake dust sifting down from his ridiculous papier-mache mandibles. He dreams of being IMPORTANT ENOUGH to have a guy like ALMOST CARL SAGAN tell HIS side of the story. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER, WEARING A HAWAIIAN SHIRT AND FOUR PAIRS OF SUN-GLASSES. We see him flat on his back, with his legs up in the air, watching a somewhat abstracted 'Sci-Fi Musical', STARRING AN IDEALIZED VERSION OF HIMSELF. FROM THE SPEAKER IN HIS TINY TV WE HEAR THE MYSTERIOUS VOICE OF 'NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN' [He sort-of looks like 'ALMOST CARL SAGAN',... the way the PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER might imagine him... an enormous lumpy head with eight eyes (in all the wrong places), extra arms and legs of various sizes sticking out all over his body, dressed in the same Hawaiian leisure-wear preferred by all off-duty papier-mache spiders].
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "There has been a certain amount of scientific speculations recently regarding the possibility that... CIVILIZATION (as WE know it) is, perhaps, NOT THE FIRST 'Pinnacle of Evolutionary Achievement' to be witnessed on the face of our delightful little planet."
DISSOLVE TO: PLANET EARTH. OUTER-SPACE P.O.V., WITH NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS VISIBLE THROUGH A TOTALLY POLLUTED ATMOSPHERE.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "In layman's terms, then: PERHAPS IT HAS ALL HAPPENED BEFORE... perhaps it has all happened SEVERAL times before... (not exactly the same as NOW, of course), but it must certainly COULD have happened, and, if by some chance it DIDN'T HAPPEN ALREADY, mathematics assures us that the odds are at least 50/50 the SOMETHING is bound to happen sooner or later!"
DISSOLVE TO: SIMPLISTIC ANIMATION OF AN APPLE PIE, CUT IN SEGMENTS WITH MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS EXPLAINING, THEN DISSOLVE TO: MATTE SHOT OF FUTURISTIC SKYLINE.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "Therefore, it should be apparent to even the dullest among you, that there is a DISTINCT POSSIBILITY that some form of highly-evolved, technologically-sophisticated 'UNKNOWN CIVILIZATION' has already GROWN UP, FLOURISHED and finally STRANGLED on its own waste products RIGHT THERE, BENEATH YOUR VERY SEATS!
DISSOLVE TO: SIMPLISTIC ANIMATION OF A CLOCK WITH ITS HANDS TWIRLING AROUND TOO FAST, SUPERIMPOSED ON AN E.C.U. OF ALLAN WITH CLOWN HAIR. ADVERTISING A BOX OF POPCORN. IN THE STYLE OF THOSE INTERMISSIONS ‘SNACK BAR COMMERCIALS' USED IN DRIVE-IN THEATERS.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "... which reminds me of a little story! ONCE UPON A TIME, during some 'EQUIVALENT Time-Cycle' in some 'EQUIVALENT Civilization', there did occur on the 'EQUIVALENT Earth' (and in the 'EQUIVALENT Void' surrounding it), a most peculiar situation, wherein a mysterious, and, as yet, un-named sizable chunk of Celestial Debris..."
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: DISTANT VIEW OF CELESTIAL DEBRIS, SLOWLY ZOOMING IN.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "... populated by a tall, nasty lady known as DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed), and her miserable, deformed lover, HUNCHENTOOT (The Giant Spider) served as a base of operations for a sinister and barely comprehensible plot to gain control of Terrestrial Affairs."
DISSOLVE TO: DISTANT VIEW OF ‘EQUIVALENT EARTH', SLOWLY ZOOMING IN.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "The ‘EQUIVALENT EARTH', endangered by the above-mentioned intrigue was a lush, watery-green elliptoid, dangling, as per usual, on the fringe of its little imaginary Orbital Merry-Go-Round Apparatus, which, if viewed from a distance of not less than 300,000 miles, gave the illusion of being EXACTLY the same planet we reside on today."
DISSOLVE TO: MOLDS AND FUNGI SWARMING OVER MOUNDS OF DEAD TOASTERS. REFRIGERATORS AND TV'S IN A VAST LANDSCAPE OF INFINITE ASPHALT.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "However, upon closer inspectation, the more observant members of our audience should easily recognize that the 'LUSHNESS' was merely the result of some FASCINATING FUNGUS, feeding over the piles of discarded appliances, swooning under the sulphurous sky, surrounded by pools of ghastly froth, gurgling from the HORRIBLE BLACK TUBES of the GENETIC ERROR TANKS, tucked away behind each community's 'Child-Rearing Center'."
DISSOLVE TO: GLEAMING FRONT VIEW OF AN ‘EQUIVALENT MAC DONALDS', (WITH A LARGE SIGN ADVERTISING ‘McPELLETS'), AS IF IT WERE THE 'CHILD-REARING CENTER'. DISSOLVE TO: ‘EQUIVALENT MACDONALDS' REAR VIEW, SHOWING BLACK TUBES WITH GURGLING SPEW. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: THE UNKNOWN SIZEABLE CHUNK OF CELESTIAL DEBRIS. DRAKMA reclines on the immense SOFA.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "And thus, from her grotesquely-tufted maroon SOFA, not far from a pinky bullet-shaped object that MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be a hair dryer, the sinister DRAKMA surveys the Pageant of Human Folly. amused by the imaged on her enormous viewing screen."
CUT TO: M.C.U. DRAKMA, SINGING TO HERSELF AS SHE MANIPULATES THE DIALS OF HER INCREDIBLY FRAUDULENT VIDEO-CONTROLLER.
DRAKMA: [singing] "Time is money... But Space is a long, long time! Perhaps you are surprised to see I speak your language? But I have been monitoring your Earthly broadcasts for many years... Many years... And the reception on my little planet is extremely fine! [She lounges flamboyantly across the SOFA] Time is money... Space is a long, long time! On my lonely throne in the cosmic night I ponder the vast expanses between your puny world and mine! From my Couch-In-The-Sky, as my planet goes by, I behold all your misery below there! I have seen all your lying, and crying, and dying, and, believe me, your planet is NOWHERE! [She rises from the SOFA to a sitting position on the arm.] SPACE is a VERY LONG TIME! (And if the equation, as set forth above, is PROVED when we get to the BOTTOM LINE... The 'Powers Financial' I'll hold o'er your world will complete my fantastic design!) And the whole 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' SHALL BE MINE! SHALL BE MINE! And the whole 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' SHALL BE MINE! SHALL BE MINE! And the whole 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' SHALL BE MINE! SHALL BE MINE! [She grabs her 'Space-Zither' and strums horrible chords on it between each of the closing lines... ] MINE! MINE!"
HUNCHENTOOT lumbers out of his fake cave in response to the strum of DRAKMA's ‘Space-Zither'. She collars him, fondling his extra little spring loaded leglets, and says:
DRAKMA: "Let's face it, HUNCHENTOOT, life on that planet is NO PICNIC! Now, I might be SINISTER, and I might be GREEDY... BUT... I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER to the helpless wretches of 'EQUIVALENT EARTH'! Because, you seem HUNCHENTOOT, I am not merely DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed)! No, no, no! I AM A WOMAN! A very PASSIONATE WOMAN!" [She Reaches for his Giant Spider reproductive organ...] "You know how HOT I am, DON'T YOU, Big Boy! The people on that silly planet NEED ME! Their planet is a MESS Because of EARTHLY GREED... and, as I'm sure you know, EARTHLY GREED is INCOMPETENT GREED! EARTHLY GREED is AMATEUR GREED! EARTHLY GREED is NOTHING compared to COSMIC GREED!" [working herself into a frenzy, still groping toward HUNCHENTOOT'S dingus.] "This stupid little world down there THRIVES on nothing but GREED! It is NOURISHED by GREED! Why, without GREED to sustain it, The Earth wouldn't be worth a HUNCH... Or a TOOT!" [She finally succeeds in locating a coiled wire 'SLINKY' covered with black fur, unleashing it across the floor with a loud "SPROING!"] "Therefore, my darling, It MUST FOLLOW LOGICALLY that... EVEN NOW, at THIS VERY MOMENT in 'EQUIVALENT Time' (which is MONEY) and SPACE (which is a VERY LONG TIME), as we swirl through the Eternal Darkness on a useless little rock with some cheap furniture on it, invisible to the naked Earthling eye, obscured by the dense, putrid vapors of their semi-lethal atmosphere... "
[HUNCHENTOOT re-coils his apparatus, jamming it back into his spandex shorts.]
DRAKMA: (contd.) "Verily, I say unto you, HUNCHENTOOT, Is there ANY WAY (if my fantastic program of conquest SUCCEEDS... and, of course, IT WILL). IS THERE ANY WAY I COULD MAKE THINGS ANY WORSE THEN THEY ALREADY ARE?"
[SFX: THUNDER] CUT TO: INTERIOR OF THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER'S TV ROOM. ALMOST CARL CARL SAGAN walks in and adjusts the picture on the set (unnoticed), staring in disbelief at the image of NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN on the tiny screen.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "And the miserable Giant Spider thought for a brief moment, finally emitting a sad little ‘toot' on his reeking harmonica, accompanied by a pathetic little hunch... "
[HUNCHENTOOT oinks out a funky lick on his Hohner, hunching his shoulder pathetically.] THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER attempts to laugh. We can see the string moving his fake mandibles. ALMOST CARL SAGAN is unconcernedly pulling the string, with his eyes glued to the TV.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "... which appeared to indicate to the power-mad SPACE-GIRL that her insect accomplice was in complete agreement with the theory she just propounded!"
CUT TO: DRAKMA, lunging lewdly toward the Giant Spider.
DRAKMA: "Ah, yes, my erotically wriggling SPIDER OF DESTINY!" Take me to your reeking cranny and cares me violently with your horrible scratchy feelers. AND, while we concumatte our perverse rendezvous I shall explain to you the FANTASTIC DETAILS of the WORK WE MUST DO!"
RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: E.C.U. MULTIPLE SUN-GLASSES ON PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER'S HEAD, REFLECTING THE TINY TV. ZOOM BACK TO M.C.U. AS HIS MANDIBLES SNAP CLOSED. SIFTING FULLERS EARTH ONTO HIS THORAX. CUT TO: E.C.U. tiny screen. ZOOM IN and... DISSOLVE TO: PARENTHETICAL ACTION... we are now inside the scene, inside the TV. We watch HUNCHENTOOT and DRAKMA enter the Fake Cave, and discover that THE ACTION IS TAKING PLACE ON A BROADWAY STAGE. THE LEFT SIDE of the stage is "THE UNKNOWN SIZEABLE CHUNK OF CELESTIAL DEBRIS", represented by a grotesquely tufted maroon SOFA (large), an obviously fraudulent MOUNTAIN (small) with a cave in it (front wall is a cheese-cloth/translucent), housing a brass bed, a bed table, a lamp, and a hot magazines. Also visible outside the cave is a pink bullet-head hair dryer, a cheesy-looking illuminated control panel, and an assortment of tiny papier-mache volcanoes emitting quaint smoke. The center elevated-to-various-levels part of the stage is occupied by an orchestra, dressed in simple-minded ‘Space Clothes'. Suspended over the orchestra is a 40x50 foot laser-video screen. DRAKMA and HUNCHENTOOT enter The Fake Cave. Once inside, she turns on a little lamp next to the Spider Bed, producing cheese-cloth back-lit silhouettes on the translucent cave front.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: [narrating, filtered as if coming from the speaker in the tiny TV] "The lustful DRAKMA leads poor old HUNCHENTOOT into the adjacent reeking cranny, seducing him. and, simultaneously, delivering a lecture on Quanto-Economics."
DRAKMA: [Gesturing erotically in silhouette] "Mmmmmmmmmmm! Throttle me, you disgusting beast! Ahhhhhh! You're so masterful!"
DISSOLVE TO: ANIMATION DEPICTING MATHEMATICAL-PHILOSOPHICAL EXAMPLES OF DRAKMA'S "QUANTUM-ECONOMIC PREMISE", INTERCUT WITH CHEESY-LOOKING ZODIAC-COSMIC-KAMA-SUTRA ‘THEORETICAL COPULATORY POSITIONS' INVOLVING A 7 ½ FOOT SPACE-GIRL AND A GIANT SPIDER.
DRAKMA: (voice-over) "Oh, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHENTOOT! HUNCHENTOOT! HUNCHENTOOT! There has NEVER been a love such as ours! Don't let me distract you, BUT... Do you REALIZE how FAR we are RIGHT NOW From THE EARTH ITSELF?! Do you realize the IMPORTANCE of the fact that THE DISTANCE between THEM and US is nothing but SPACE! And. WHO IS TO SAY, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHENTOOT, HUNCHENTOOT, whether or not THAT SPACE could BELONG to someone... HUNCHENTOOT, my Valiant Insect, I, DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed) do hereby, with YOU as my LEGAL WITNESS, claim THAT SPACE AND ALL OTHER SPACE as MY OWN PERSONAL PROPERTY! Because... IF TIME MONEY (as the Earthlings believe), and, IF SPACE IS A LONG, LONG, TIME (AS should be evident to any fool), then ‘MY SPACE' (in terms of TIME)... when converted from LIGHT YEARS to COLD CASH will make me THE RICHEST HOT SPACE-GIRL IN ALL THE UNIVERSE!"
CUT TO: The KING OF THE GRUNTS and GORGONZOLA in the throne room standing near a large lever.
GRUNT KING: "The honor shall be yours, GORGONZOLA! Throw the DEATH SWITCH! The chamber will flood with ‘Space Sausage', seasoning the prey, urging our lovely spider to leave its nest, giving it a TERRIFIC appetite for the HELPLESS EARTH PEOPLE!"
DISSOLVE TO: INTERIOR OF ‘FORCE-LING REGIONAL HEADQUARTERS', SOMEWHERE ON ‘EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'. [The RIGHT SIDE of the stage is 'THE EQUIVALENT EARTH' during the 'FORCE-LINGS' pre-fight warm-up and the finale. The 'FORCE-LINGS' REGIONAL HEADQUARTERS is represented by a table, seven chairs and a brick wall with shitty-looking day-glo posters on it. Once the 'FORCE-LINGS' have made their arrival on DRAKMA'S Planet. the brick wall is whisked away on a little rollers to reveal another flat with Outer Space Decor.] NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN stands in the foreground, describing what we think we see.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "Meanwhile, on the 'EQUIVALENT BROADWAY', unaware of the impending financial crisis, an incredibly obnoxious lad named DURK, sits in deep Alpha-Meditation with a group of High-Level Genetic Mutants who have just formed a SUSPICIOUS NEW CULT CALLED THE 'FORCE-LINGS'... "
DURK (HERZBERG, in a sci-fi Zoot suit), chants in fraudulent mod-religious ecstasy: THE HUMAN MIND is the ULTIMATE POWER.
[‘FORCE-LINGS' perform grotesque adagios throughout the chanting ceremony.]
DURK (contd.) And THAT POWER is OURS to USE as we CHOOSE.
'FORCE-LINGS':... As we choose...
DURK: The HUMAN MIND contains WONDER and THUNDER and BLUNDER...
'FORCE-LINGS':... And Blunder...
DURK: And Because WE are so HIGHLY-EVOLVED the very UNIVERSE ITSELF must TREMBLE before us and YIELD UNTO US ALL SECRETS...
'FORCE-LINGS':... All Secrets...
DURK: ALL POWER
'FORCE-LINGS':... All power...
DURK: ALL TRUTH
'FORCE-LINGS':... All Truth...
DURK: But mostly THE SECRETS and THE POWER ('Cause who needs ‘THE TRUTH' when you got THE GOOD STUFF?)
'FORCE-LINGS': And THAT is THE TRUTH!
DURK and the other 'FORCE-LINGS' lift their elasticized ping-pong ball meditation eye-gear up over their brows, revealing horrible blackened eye-sockets as they jump up and pretend to sing.
DURK: WE ARE THE 'FORCE-LINGS', OUR NEW RELIGION IS ASTOUND-LINGS, THE GLORY OF OUR SHINING MINDS AND GROOVY VIBES IS NOW SURROUND-LING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU (WE KNOW YOU'LL JOIN US TOO, AND YOU'LL GO FAR!) 'CAUSE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TURKEYS OUT THERE IN EVERY CHAIR THINK YOU'RE JUST ABOUT AS ‘COSMIC' AS WE ARE!
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "And, with studied pomposity and pretension, the leader of the secret ALPHA-COSMOID MEDITATION SOCIETY prepares to deliver a thrilling address!"
DURK: [Speaking into his amulet as if it were a hand-held wireless PONY LEG] "Guys 'n gals... as you must have known before attending out Services tonight SOMETHING BIG is about to happen!"
'FORCE-LINGS': THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
DURK: [Raising his hand to calm them] "Yes, yes... I can CERTAINLY dig it! And, I'm sure YOU CAN TOO... I don't think I have to emphasize HOW DIFFICULT, HOW EXHAUSTING, or HOW EXPENSIVE it is to promote and get customers for A FANTASTIC NEW UPCOMING RELIGIOUS FOUNDATION such as ours... When there's just SO MUCH COMPETITION THESE DAYS!"
'FORCE-LINGS': [nodding in agreement] THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
DURK: [swiveling dramatically] "That's right! I have a PROMOTIONAL IDEA that will PROVE, once and for all, how HEAVY we are, and simultaneously provide CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE to every INFIDEL and UN-BELIEVER of not only WHERE WE'RE AT, but also... WHERE WE'RE COMING FROM!"
'FORCE-LING' #1 [blankly] "But, Master, how can this BE?"
DURK: "I have meditated LONELY and DEEPLY, and, in doing so, have PENETRATED to the VERY CORE of this marginally imponderable dilemma, and, I have found THE ANSWER! Guys 'n Gals, THE ANSWERS IS: 'The difference between WHERE YOU'RE AT and WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM is WHERE YOU 'WENT'!"
'FORCE-LING' #2 [blankly] "Oh, MASTER... you are so OUTA-SITE!"
DURK: [excitingly interrupting] "YES! We must 'WENT'! BUT, we must not only ‘WENT'... WE MUST ‘WENT' SOMEPLACE NOBODY HAS EVER ‘WENT' BEFORE!"
'FORCE-LINGS': [unison] THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
DURK: "PRECISELY! That way, WHEN WE GET BACK from WHEN we 'WENT', everybody'll know WHERE WE'RE AT!"
'FORCE-LING' #1 [astounded by his own brilliance] "Right back to where we 'WENT' from!"
DURK beams proudly and gives ‘FORCE-LING' #1 the 'SCIENCE FICTION HAND-SHAKE'.
DURK: “You GOT IT! But... the BEST PART is when everybody finds out WHERE WE'RE COMING FROM!"
'FORCE-LING' #2 [lamely] "WOW! What happens THEN, MASTER?"
DURK proudly clasps his arm around the shoulder of 'FORCE-LING' #2: "I'm glad you asked! THEN... EVERYBODY'LL WANNA JOIN THE 'FORCE-LINGS'! Heh-heh-heh! And WE'LL ALL BE RICH... and RESPECTABLE, just like any other branch of... THE LEISURE-TIME INDUSTRY!"
'FORCE-LING' #1 [overwhelmed] "Oh, MASTER. you are so neat!"
'FORCE-LINGS' [unison] "Yes, MASTER, you are very, very NEAT!"
'FORCE-LING' #2: "Yes, MASTER! You are TOTTALY BITCHEN! Where are we going to ‘WENT'?"
DURK: [fantastically casual] "Guy ‘n Gals... I don't want this to come as a SHOCK to you, but... WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE ‘WENT-ing' INTO OUTER SPACE!"
'FORCE-LINGS': [unison] WE ARE?
'FORCE-LING' #1 [mystified] "But... but... MASTER! We don't have a SPACE SHIP!"
DURK: [sincerely] "Well... you want everybody to be IMPRESSED when you GET BACK, right? Well... FOR ME, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH! I think that people should be impressed COMING and GOING! DON'T YOU EVER FORGET: 'The Human Mind is THE ULTIMATE POWER'!"
'FORCE-LINGS': [unison]... The ULTIMATE POWER...
[SFX: OMINOUS GONG]
DURK: [hypnotically lowering his voice and his ping-pong balls at the same time.] "Because... all of our FANTASTIC MINDS, LINKED TOGETHER, can ACHIEVE ANY GOAL, OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLE, and, IF WE SO DESIRE, even go so far as to provide FIRST CLASS TRANSPORTATION INTO OUTER SPACE, and still have enough energy left over for a BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE, and as a 'Special Goo-Will Bonus', our VERY OWN GRAVITY!"
[ORCHESTRA BEGINS VAMP]
DURK: (contd.) "REMEMBER... because WE are so HIGHLY-EVOLVED, there is NOTHING... NOTHING THAT CAN STOP US!"
DURK and the 'FORCE-LINGS' remove their ping-pong balls once again, raise their hands skyward in a stupid-looking ‘Space-Salute', and break into another song and dance routine.
DURK: [swaggering with Cosmic Abandon] If something gets in your way, just THINK IT over... If something gets in your way, JUST THINK IT OVER!
'FORCE-LINGS': If something gets in your way, just think it OVER... If something gets in your way, JUST THINK IT OVER!
DURK: And it will fall down, it will fall down, it will fall, just wait ‘n see! Soon it'll fall down, it'll fall down, it'll fall, TAKE IT FROM ME! Everything that gets in your way ain't real, everything that gets in your way ain't real, everything that gets in your way ain't real, it ain't real! It ain't real! It ain't real, so "What's the deal?"
'FORCE-LINGS': Over, over, over, it'll fall over.
The 'FORCE-LINGS' execute a dance routine which, by the very nature of its PATHETICALLY OVERT SYMBOLISM, will indicate to the audience that the whole bunch of them intended to ‘SWIM THROUGH OUTER SPACE' until they bump into a MYSTERIOUS UNKNOWN PLANET. This concludes with a massive STAGE RIGHT EXIT. LIGHTS UP ON STAGE LEFT, revealing the enormous SPACE-GIRL, apparently satisfied by the GIANT SPIDER, emerging from under the hair dryer, adjusting her rollers. She repairs to the couch and preens while the despondent insect paces nervously near the entrance to his reeking residence, singing...
HUNCHENTOOT: [singing] "Oh me, Oh my, De lonely Spider wanna die! Oh me, Oh my, De lonely Spider weep ‘n cry! Oh me, Oh my, I wasted forty pair o' shoes just-a shufflin' back ‘n forth wit dem HUNCHENTOOTIN' BLUES! ('No shit... I GOT ‘EM!') Oh where do you go, an' what do you do when de shit start flyin' an' it land on you. Oh me, oh my, I wasted forty pair o' shoes just-a walkin' that floor wit de HUNCHENTOOTIN' BLUES! Their ain't no more ter'ble weepin' than dis lonely Spider do listen at me peoples! Dis de TRUFE I'm tellin' you! Got no reg'luh Spider Lady just to ease my Spider Mind. Been peepin' all over my plastic rock till my Spider Eyes gone blind. Won't somebody kindly tell me just WHAT AM I GONNA DO? 'Cuz I'm a bad Mutha-Spider wit de HUNCHENTOOTIN' BLUES! ('Yes I am, peoples!')
[FLAMBOYANT HARMONICA FILL]
DRAKMA: "You always seem to get so DEPRESSED after our little PARTIES... what is it, 'HUNNY'... don't you LOVE me anymore?"
HUNCHENTOOT: [angrily] "Don't you be callin' ME no 'HUNNY', bitch! Onliest reason I been givin' y'all the pleasure O' my compnay is you the only PUSSY I got up here!"
DRAKMA: [bewildered and misty-eyed] "You mean... it's... MERELY PHYSICAL with you and me?"
HUNCHENTOOT: [slyly] "Well, ah... "
DRAKMA: [wrist to forehead] "Why can't you respect me... for my MIND?"
HUNCHENTOOT: [turning away] "Well, ah... "
DRAKMA: [suddenly angered] "YOU DESPICABLE... DETESTABLE... MUSICIAN! I've given you THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE! I've PAID THE RENT ON YOUR STUPID LITTLE CAVE, AND... AND..."
HUNCHENTOOT: [rubbing his chin in a sage gesture] "Well, ah... I gone be honest wif you, bitch... uh... YOU IS 'DEFICIENT'!"
DRAKMA: [enraged] "WHAT? ME? 'DEFICIENT'! HAH! Listen, buddy... I... AM A VERY PASSIONATE WOMAN! You just can't appreciate THE MEANING OF THE TRUE PASSION, BECAUSE YOU ARE MERELY... A BUG!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [mocking] "Shit! LOOK HERE! You can be PASH’N'IT, MASH’N'IT, SPLASH’N'IT, ‘n GASH’N'IT, BUT... THERE's ONE THING YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE... "
DRAKMA: "And WHAT, pray, is that?"
HUNCHENTOOT: "Les you go ‘n grow you some LEGS... an' I mean ONE GREAT BIG GY-GANNIC muthafuckin' STACK ‘O dem scratchin', kickin', THREE-HUNNER-SIXTY DE-GREE, WRAP-ALL-AROUND-THE-BACK-O-YO-HAID, MUTHAFUCKIN' LEGS, there ain't gone be NO WAY you likely to become no GIANT SPIDER-PEASIN' WOMAN!"
He dances around the broken hearted SPACE-GIRL, taunting her with his loathsome harmonica and naughty song.
HUNCHENTOOT: [singing] "It take a reg'luh SPIDER LADY Fo' de 'maximum potentum' Fum de SPIDER MAIN. Mus' take a stack o' SPIDER LAG T'make de SPIDER FUCKER beg An' raise de SPIDER SAN'. Since you ain't got no SPIDER EYES Dis here might give you some surprise to hear my SPIDER-FUCKIN' song. De only thing dat cause me wonder, 'bout de rock I livin' under 'How you doin' me wrong so long?'"
HUNCHENTOOT continues to cavort lasciviously. SUDDENLY, DRAKMA's eyes widen in disbelief! There, in the midst of HUNCHENTOOT's auto-erotic frenzy, she beholds the 'FORCE-LINGS' (and DURK) as they stumbled out from behind The Fake Cave, yawning, stretching, and readjusting their ping-pong balls, indicating 'recovery' from their fantastic journey.
DURK: [still smiles] "Well, guys 'n gals... WE MADE IT!"
HUNCHENTOOT lumbers to scrutinize DURK.
DURK: (contd.) "This is it! OUTER SPACE! A fantastic, unknown, unexplored PLANET, inhabited by... inhabited by... Uh... this GIANT, UGLY SPIDER!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [pissed off] "Say WHAT?"
DURK: [slightly intimidated] "Who, uh... who seems to be, uh... VERY TALENTED... and, uh... DANCES TERRIFIC! Say, Brother, what's happenin'... (play a little trumpet myself), and, of course, over here we have..."
DRAKMA: "SILENCE EARTHLING! Who ARE you? Why have you DARED to TRESPASS upon MY PLANET? Who gave you PERMISSION to travel through MY SPACE?!"
DRAKMA towers over DURK, wagging her finger in his face.
DURK: [shit-eating grin] "Well, uh... Y'see, it's like this, uh... THE HUMAN MIND OS THE ULTIMATE POWER!"
[LIGHTS FLASH -- OMINOUS GONG] 'FORCE-LINGS' pull down their ping-pong balls, groping blindly.
'FORCE-LINGS': [unison]... The ULTIMATE POWER...
DURK: [cheerfully] "And, of course, we bring GREETINGS from the kind, generous, friendly PEOPLE OF EARTH... (the third little dot over by the BIG DOT on right, which my people call THE SUN... ), and, uh... BASICALLY, this here's a PROMO TOUR for our FANTASTIC NEW AND UPCOMING RELIGIOUS FOUNDATION that's pretty soon gonna be the... "
DRAKMA: [interrupting] "BAH! Your wretched PROMO TOUR means nothing to me! Prepare to meet your DOOM, invaders! KILL, HUNCHENTOOT! KILL, KILL, KILL THE Earthlings!"
HUNCHENTOOT doesn't move. He just looks at her.
HUNCHENTOOT: [fobbing her off] "Lighten up, bitch... shee-it!"
HUNCHENTOOT shakes his head disgustedly and gestures toward DURK.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "Now, look here... pssst! Hey! EARTH-dude... C'mere. boy!
They walk to the edge of the stage A BLUE SPOTLIGHT ON BOTH OF THEM emphasize the intimacy of their whispered conversation.
DURK: [delighted] "Sure thing! What you need, my man? GIMME FIVE... (or whatever)...
He attempts to swat ‘hiply' at several of HUNCHENTOOT's extra arms.
HUNCHENTOOT: [confidentially] "Look here, boy, I REALLY AM supposed to scarf you folks up!"
DURK: [shit-eating grin again] "Really? Wow, that's beautiful... REALLY BEAUTIFUL!"
HUNCHENTOOT: "Dat be de CALLIN' of my ENORMOUS SPECIES, you copy? We be talkin' COSMIC BIO-FUNCTION here! I was BORN to jus' be WRECKIN' de FUCK outa them HELPLESS EARTH-VICTIMS!"
DURK fidgets as HUNCHENTOOT flips his collar up.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "An' YOU gone be ONE OF 'EM, 'less you 'n me c'n GET SOMETHING TOGETHER..."
DURK pretends to be very concerned for the insect's welfare. He puts his arm protectively around HUNCHENTOOT'S shoulder.
DURK: "Just listen to me! Never let it be said that our FANTASTIC NEW AND UPCOMING, ECOLOGICALLY CONCERNED, DEFINITELY-AGAINST-ANY-FORM-OF-NSECTICIDE... RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION ever missed... SINGLE CHANCE to help a troubled soul or make a new convert... (How much bread you makin' up here?)"
HUNCHENTOOT tosses DURK's arm away and grabs him by the cheek.
HUNCHENTOOT: [dangerously] "Look here! You jus' don' seem t' unnuhstain boy! You lookin' at a MEAN, NASTY, CRUEL, BLOODTHIRSTY, GIANT muthafuckin' SPIDER! An' I gone SNUFF all you people OUT 'less we get something goin' here RAT NOW!"
DRAKMA: [raging in the distance] "EAT THEM! EAT THOSE EARTHLINGS, HUNCHENTOOT!"
Startled by the interruption, HUNCHENTOOT releases DURK's cheek and turns in the direction of DRAKMA's voice.
DRAKMA: (contd.) "IT IS YOUR NATURAL COSMIC BIO-FUNCTION! IF YOU IGNORE YOUR COSMO-BIOLOGICAL URGINGS, YOU COULD CAUSE AN IRREVERSIBLE IMBALANCE IN THE FRAGILE ECO-SYSTEM OF MY MISERABLE PLANET! JESUS CHRIST! WE COULD ALL GET SPACE-CANCER!"
There is a deadly silence as HUNCHENTOOT stomps over to DRAKMA, looks up nad down, and says...
HUNCHENTOOT: [exasperated] "Why don't you jus' SHUT DE FUCK UP! I knows what I'm doin'!"
THE SPOTLIGHT FOLLOWS HIM BACK TO THE STAGE EDGE WHERE HE TAKES UP AGAIN WITH DURK.
DURK: [fidgeting] "Heh-heh... You gonna PRETEND to eat us... 'n then SPIT US OUT in back of The Fake Cave... right?"
HUNCHENTOOT: [VERY confidentially] "Look here, brothuh... I may not hafta be eatin' you people AT ALL... "
DURK jumps back, semi-astonished.
DURK: "No shit! Really? That's beautiful! That's REALLY, REALLY BEAUTIFUL! And Out-a-SITE!"
DURK pats HUNCHENTOOT on the back very carefully.
HUNCHENTOOT: "That's right, 'brothuh'... GIMME FIVE (or whatevuh), 'brothuh'!"
HUNCHENTOOT whirls around, pummeling DURK with his spring-loaded leglets.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "HEY! What's TO it! Thas' right! Um- hmm, yeah! You got it! Look here, I's jes' wondrin' if y'all be able t'hep a brothuh out..."
DURK suddenly grasps what is REALLY going on.
DURK: [impressed with himself because HE can DIG IT] "OF COURSE! YOU WANNA GET LAID!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [philosophically] "Shit... y'all putty sharp fo' a EARTH-boy!"
THE LIGHTS COME UP as the ‘FORCE-LINGS' (who retreat into ping-pong meditation-mode when there's nothing else for them to do) dance over to DURK and HUNCHENTOOT, as the Giant Spider bursts into song once more.
HUNCHENTOOT: [singing] "There ain't NOTHIN' to it ‘Les some SPIDER-MAMA DO IT, An' I could use a pair o' SPIDER-JAWS today! So, ef yo' Human Brain's so hot Jes' go ‘n show me what you got An' get my SPIDER-PUSSY whippin' right away 'Cause ef you don't, I gotta tell ya It's my SPIDER-JOB t'kill ya, An' it ain't gonna make no never-mind t'me, boy! So git my SPIDER-PUSSY flyin', Or all you folks is gwine be dyin' An' that's no SPIDER-SHIT I'm spreadin', cuz I c'n DE-stroy!"
HUNCHENTOOT squeals away on his fetid harmonica, demostarting to the 'FORCE-LINGS' various possible methods of GIANT SPIDER-INFLICTED GRIEVOUS PERSONAL HARM. As soon as he feels he has given them a Proper Scare, he pauses to announce...
HUNCHENTOOT: [matter of factly] "I now be gwine back to my apartment to WHIP IT fo' a while 'til you Religious Folks come up with somethin' Hot 'n Hairy I can identify wif!"
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: [voice over] "An so, having stated his case to the invaders from EARTH, the pathetic, misunderstood Giant Spider trundles back into his cave... and naught was heard but his busy little multiple appendages, WHIPPING IT, while on her lonely SOFA, DRAKMA (Queen of Cosmic Greed) pines away for the love of her insect...
[SFX: SPIDER FLOG] SEGUE TO A COCKTAIL PIANO VAMP INTRO AS THE STAGE DARKENS AND A LONELY SPOTLIGHT FINDS DRAKMA.
DRAKMA: [singing] "He used to be very kind... (In his own crude way) And he wasn't always like I wanted him to be! He wasn't smart. He wasn't handsome. But he thrilled me when he drilled me. And I never loved a monster quite like HE... Because his love was so 'FLAM-BAY'. His kisses burned me so, his kisses turned me from a Queen on a throne to a SHRIVELLING STOOL! Here I stand, all alone: A SPIDER'S FOOL! (When it's ME he needs to fondle his tool!) I guess some bugs are just THAT WAY! He don't really need your love. He don't really need you... To be there when his hair gets matted and grey, with a broom cleaning his room, from the mess he made that day out of Earthlings arms he nibbled away! Oh HUNCHENTOOT, my love, how could you desert me now? Oh, HUNCHENTOOT you brute? Can't you see I want you stay with me! FLAGRANTLY! And we'll have ECSTASY for ALL ETERNITY! Because your love is so 'FLAM-BAY'. Your kisses burn me so. Your kisses turn me from a Queen on a throne to a SHRIVELLING STOOL! I don't mind if you're unkind, ‘cause SPIDERS RULE! Yes, YOU'RE ALL REAL COOL, with those little WEBS you SPOOL and all your 'SPIDER DROOL'... Oh! Let me float in your pool!
[DRAKMA fumbles for her ‘Space- Zither' and strums a few more hideous chords.]
DRAKMA: "HUNCHENTOOT! HUNCHENTOOT! HUNCHENTOOT!"
The chords distract HUNCHENTOOT from his recreation. He pokes his head out of The Fake Cave.
HUNCHENTOOT: [disgruntled] "What you want NOW, bitch?"
DRAKMA: [pretending to be cold and objective] Listen carefully, 'SPIDER OF DESTINY'! If you persist in your refusal to EAT THE EARTH PEOPLE, my plans for the CONQUEST of their disgusting little planet may become ENDANGERED!"
CUT TO: CECIL and LARRY near the CRYSTAL POOL, waking up and venturing forth to save the others (they don't know about THE DUMMY yet). CUT TO: The interior of the DEATH CHAMBER.
THE DUMMY: "What the heck you doing' up here. old- timer?"
BILLY: "Well. before I got interrupted, I was getting ready to re-populate this Heavenly Body, after claiming it and renaming it and so forth... "
THE DUMMY: "You can't be doin' that... this here MOON is the property of the U.S. Government, an' there's no way some old asshole like you has got any right to fuck around with it!"
CUT TO: Interior of the TENDERIZOR. Steam rises all around while Space-Girls go "EEEEK!" and tear away pointed brassiers. CUT TO: CECIL and LARRY on their way to THE GRUNT KING'S THRONE ROOM. As they travel, they discuss their plan to vanquish the GRUNT PEOPLE. They pluck a few fake stalagmites and fill their pockets with the 'Incredibly Realistic Simulated Space Diamonds' littering the pathway. CUT TO: E.C.U. DEATH SWITCH being thrown to the position marked 'DEMISE'. [SFX: ‘Space Sausage' gurgling into the DEATH CHAMBER, mingled with enraged GIANT SPIDER roar.] CUT TO: INTERIOR PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER'S TV ROOM. We discover that the roar is in response to the interruption of his TV viewing. Large quantities of 'Space Sausage' are falling all around him... some of them dangle over his tiny screen. CUT TO: Half-naked SPACE-GIRLS, writhing in the TENDERIZOR. CUT TO: BILLY and THE DUMMY, chained, back to back, ‘Space Sausage' rising around them. The shadows of THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER and ALMOST CARL SAGAN are visible on the other side of the gate as it rises. THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER makes his horrible noise. Above the roar we hear:
BILLY: "Who the fuck do you think YOU are, buddy? Fuck you! AND FUCK THE GODDAM U.S. GOVERNMENT TOO! Fuck yer expensive spacesuit! FUCK EVERY GODDAM THING YOU STAND FOR!"
THE DUMMY: "Those are pretty strong words to be comin' from some decrepit old sonofabitch, helpless chained to a goddam outer-space torture machine... 'Space Doody' up to his dick and a GIANT SPIDER creepin' over on the side! Only a COMMUNIST would say shit like that at a time like this... HAH! I know how to deal with assholes like you! BELIEVE ME, if we ever get out of this highly improbable situation, I'm gonna blow your senile COMMUNIST brains all over this fuckin' place!"
CUT TO: TENDERIZOR interior... more squeals, steam, desperate nudity, etc. CUT TO: THRONE ROOM interior... all the GRUNTS are huddling near the TENDERIZOR door, chuckling over the Space-Girls' torment, unaware of CECIL and LARRY as they sneak up behind them. LARRY accidentally bumps the DEATH SWITCH into the "OFF" position. CUT TO: Interior of the DEATH CHAMBER. The gate which would have allowed the PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER to eat BILLY and THE DUMMY clanks down, just as he was supposed to pass through it. CUT TO: THRONE ROOM interior. shot at 2 F.P.S. CECIL and LARRY, in a lavishly choreographed fight sequence, whizzing by at incredible speed, decimate the entire army of GRUNTS with their stupid stalagmites and 'Space Diamond' projectiles, in a parody of the battle with ‘The Bogey-Men' from "BABES IN TOYLAND". By the time it is over, all the GRUNTS have been mutilated, leaving pools of monster blood everywhere. (CECIL and LARRY are covered in this obviously fake gore.) As things quiet down, the Space-Girls' pleas can be heard through Door #1. CECIL and LARRY open are almost trampled by a stampede of steaming, naked, thoroughly tenderized Lunar Maiden. The sight of the mutilated GRUNTS causes them to recoil in horror at first, but somehow, through the magic of 'B' Movie Logic, this horror evolves into an alien form of sexual stimulation. The girls indicate to CECIL and LARRY that they shouldn't waste any time with the LUNAR REPOPULATION CEREMONY. Clawing at their clothing, they attempt to gang-rape the two idiots right there in the middle of the monster guts. LARRY doesn't mind at all since it's a sort of like a PONY RIDE, but CECIL is worried about UNCLE BILLY. The Space-Girls ignore his protestations, and continue to pile on top of him. He sees DOOR #2, manages to pull away, and opens it... only to be repelled by the stench of the 'Space Sausages', as they tumble out to mingle with the monster debris. He holds his nose and forces himself to go in. Once inside, CECIL discovers BILLY and THE DUMMY. BILLY warns him not to release "The Short Guy" because he wants to blow his brains out.
THE DUMMY: [screaming] "He's a COMMUNIST, you dip-shit! It's your DUTY as an AMERICAN to release me so I can rid the universe of this stinking son-of-a-bitch once and for all!"
Baffled, CECIL turns to his uncle and asks: "Are you a COMMUNIST?" I never knew you were a COMMUNIST!"
BILLY: [enraged by the accusation] "FROGWASH! I'm not a COMMUNIST! I'm a FORMER JANITOR!"
THE DUMMY: [struggling against his chains] "Lies! All Lies! They lie about EVERYTHING... ALL THE TIME! COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA! Don't believe a WORD of it!"
THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER crashes through the gate, wobbles over and grabs THE DUMMY, whisking him off to his room.
CECIL: "HOLY SHIT!"
He unchains the accused Communist and they both rush out, slamming DOOR #2 behind them. Meanwhile, LARRY has been get ting "The Pony Ride Of His Life". CECIL (already undressed) dives in. BILLY removes his clothes and joins them. GRETCHEN consumes dangerous amounts of 'Space Sausage'. DISSOLVE TO: ‘EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "As you will perhaps recall, a few moments ago, the depraved SPACE-GIRL pronounced and ominous warning to her recalcitrant insect accomplice, indicating that her plans for the CONQUEST of THE EARTH ITSELF could be endangered by his reluctance to eat the Earthlings ‘like a good little Giant Spider'!"
CUT TO: THE DUMMY, ALMOST CARL SAGAN, and THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER, crowded around the tiny TV, laughing childishly.
THE DUMMY: [nudging THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER in the thorax with his elbow] "Hah! THAT was a GOOD ONE!"
CUT TO: 'EQUIVALENT BROADWAY'. LIGHTS UP ON STAGE LEFT.
DRAKMA: [singing] "Listen carefully, 'SPIDER OF DESTINY'! You must heed the call Of COSMO-BIOLOGY! If you eat the Earthlings now, things will all be fine, AND THEN we'll repair our love somehow and resume the busy schedule of our RUTHLESS CONQUEST once again!"
[DRAKMA clutches her control panel and punches the buttons rhythmically]
DRAKMA: (contd.) "Listen carefully, ‘SPIDER OF DESTINY'! I will not allow this marvellous OPPORTUNITY to be taken from me! TAKEN from me! So... EAT THE EARTH PEOPLE! EAT THEM AND CHEW THEM AND BRUTALLY STOMP ON THE REST OF WHAT'S LEFT AND THEN REPORT TO ME... FOR THE CONQUEST OF EARTH, (AND THE MOON AND THE STARS), AND THE SPACE IN BETWEEN ALL THE COMETS AND STUFF WILL BE OURS!"
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "Hearing all this talk of ‘CONQUEST', DURK becomes alarmed and gathers his Mutant Disciples for an emergency strategy meeting... "
DURK: [checking to see if anybody is listening] "Guys 'n Gals, this is some DEEP SHIT these Space People got goin' here! They're talkin' about the CONQUEST of our VERY OWN PLANET!"
'FORCE-LING' #2 [also concerned] "It's a good thing we got here in time!"
DURK: [boldly] "Guy's ‘n Gals. our duty is clear! It's up to us, as a NEW and UPCOMING, fantastically benevolent, TAX EXEMPT Religious Organization, to bring about, with all of our FANTASTIC MINDS, THE PROMO-SALVATION of the EARTH ITSELF!"
'FORCE-LINGS' [unison] Heavy. That's very, very HEAVY... and also REALLY BEAUTIFUL, MASTER!
DURK: [becoming excited] "Yes! Yes! Yes! All of our competitors will be GREEN WITH ENVY... when we get our little leaflets printed up, and increase congestion at EVERY AIRPORT in EVERY MAJOR CITY in EVERY CIVILIZED COUNTRY on EARTH, and pass them out to EACH POTENTIAL CONVERT, affording those lost souls THE OPPORTUNITY to show their GRATITUDE with a SMALL DONATION, because WE were ready, willing and... ABLE TO SUCCEED against FANTASTIC ODDS...
[The 'FORCE-LINGS' mime the leaflet-distributing process as their 'MASTER' becomes more and more hysterical, eventually lapsing into semi-intelligibility.]
DURK: (contd.) "... TO SAVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM FROM A REAL, GENUINE, ALIEN-WHALIEN-ALAPTALIEN... INVASION-WASION-ALA-PATASION!"
[The 'FORCE-LINGS' fumble in the midst of their hypnotized miming as DURK gurgles into confusion, looking towards him for some dialogue they can WORK with.]
DURK: [sanity momentarily regained] "... in layman's terms, Guys ‘n Gals: MORTAL MUTHA-FUCKIN' DANGER! Now, here's my plan... "
[They go into huddle as DURK somehow manages to locate a 'Space Trumpet' from behind a tiny fake volcano and pretends to blow a few notes on it.]
'FORCE-LINGS' [unison] WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?!
[The 'FORCE-LINGS' retrieve a collection of conveniently secreted 'Space Instruments' and mime pretentiously as the orchestra plays.]
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: [voice over] "The 'FORCE-LINGS' have linked their fantastic minds together in order to perform a special Intergalactic/Alpha-Therapeutic Cadenza! The essential details of the Earthlings' bold counter-plot are worked out during this musical conversation. It includes, among other things, a bizarre SACRIFICIAL MANEUVER, in which DURK must win the confidence of the evil SPACE-GIRL by means of his Animal Magnetism."
DURK plays 'Animal Magnetic' licks while the 'FORCE-LINGS' mime. He approaches DRAKMA on the SOFA.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: (contd.) "DURK moves seductively toward DRAKMA as she takes her leisure on the big SOFA, teasing her with erotic little boops on his 'Space-Trumpet'... tempting, ever tempting the immense Cosmic Maiden to jam with him... on her ‘Space-Zither'!"
DURK reaches the SOFA, booping erotically. DRAKMA, semi-aroused, sits up to take notice. 'FORCE-LINGS' surround the SOFA. Rhythm begins to establish itself. DRAKMA snaps her fingers in an incredibly hokey manner. 'FORCE-LINGS' and DURK wave their horns at her in coaxing gestures. DRAKMA reaches for the 'Space-Zither', joining in with her favorite horrible chords. The musical ‘conversation' evolves into some sort of stupid ‘SPACE-BOOGIE'. DRAKMA starts to 'GET INTO IT' attempting to play what she believes to be a rip-snorting ‘SOLO'. This is interrupted by DURK, as he grabs her, SMOOCHING VIOLENTLY! She drops the 'Space-Zither' as the two of them grope briefly, and tumble over the back of the SOFA.
'FORCE-LINGS': Over, just think it over and it will fall down, fall down, believe me, it'll REALLY Fall down!
DURK: [singing, in boldest operatic tones] Do you think that it's merely INSANE to conclude that the 'AVERAGE BRAIN' has potential to RULE THE DOMAIN from the EARTH to the STARS!
[Slightly disheveled, DRAKMA rises from behind the SOFA and takes DURK's arm. They stroll downstage under an arch formed by the ‘FORCE-LINGS' Space Instruments.]
DURK & DRAKMA [crooning to each other]: "WITH A BRAIN FROM YOU AND ME WE CAN RULE TRIUMPHANTLY WE CAN CONQUER DESTINY WE CAN CAUSE ETERNITY TO GO 'ROUND THE OTHER WAY." (simulating backward tape) "YAW REHTO EHT DNUOR'"
'FORCE-LINGS', DURK & DRAKMA [singing] "OVER. OVER just think it over and it will FALL DOWN, FALL DOWN, down down down down, it will fall down!"
['FORCE-LINGS' dance and mime, DURK & DRAKMA stroll, 'FORCE-LINGS' toss instruments away, ending the song by squatting with ping-pong balls in meditation-mode position.]
DRAKMA: [wistfully] "You know, EARTH man, I... "
DURK: [romantically interrupting] "Just call me... DURK!"
DRAKMA: "DURK? DURK? What a beautiful name!"
DURK: [trying to take her seriously] "Really. huh? You like it?
DRAKMA: [she really likes it] "Oh yes! It's so... lilting! Are all Earthlings names so..."
DURK: [cutting her off] "Are you kidding me? The planet EARTH is famous for its Fantastic Names! Ever been there before?"
DRAKMA: [eyes twinkling] "No, but... I'd love to go! I mean, the very name of the planet itself... EARTH! EARTH! Just say it to yourself a few times!"
[She clutches desperately at DURK's chest.]
DURK: [studying her from the corner of his eyes] "EARTH, huh? Always sounds like 'URF' to me!"
DRAKMA: "Ooooooh! I get chills when you say it!"
DURK: [incredulously] "That gives you the chills, huh? That's beautiful... REALLY BEAUTIFUL!"
DRAKMA: [creaming] "Mmmmmmmmm! EARTH! Brrrrr!"
DURK: "Yep, it's one helluva planet, all right! 'Course, we got some other Fantastic Names down there... "
DRAKMA: [suddenly alerted] "You do?"
DURK: [smoothly] "Sure. we do. honey! How about... 'Dick'? How's 'Dick' sound to you?"
DRAKMA: [pondering] "Dick?"
DURK: [raising and lowering his eyebrows] "Yeah... you like 'DICK'?"
DRAKMA: [still pondering] "Hmmmmm... I might have to think about this 'EARTH-DICK'!"
DURK: "I'm gonna be really disappointed if you don't like 'DICK', honey, 'cause that's MY middle name!"
DRAKMA: "Your name is... 'DURK-DICK'?"
DURK: "Uh-huh! That's only my first two names! My last name is DORK!"
DRAKMA: [dreamily] "That means... if... if we ever got married, MY NAME would be... DRAKMA DICK-DORK!"
DURK: [slyly] "Let's face it... you could do a lot worse! Before I moved to Southern California it used to be HERZBERG!"
[DURK reaches over to tweeze DRAKMA'S protruding microphone apparatus.]
DRAKMA: [just starting to get the drift] "Are you trying to indicate your interest in some exotic form of EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL GRATIFICATION?"
DURK: [pretending to be offended] "Never let it be said that our NEW and UPCOMING, FANTASTICALLY BENEVOLENT EXPERIMENTAL RELIGION ever missed a SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to bring PEACE OF MIND TO ANY TROUBLED SOUL, whether it be on THE EARTH, on the MOON, or ON YOUR SOFA! Because, it is LOVE that is the GUIDING FORCE of the UNIVERSE IN GENERAL, and I want you to ALWAYS REMEMBER that it is against the basic Rules and Regulations of the UNIVERSE, as described above, for any Person or Monster, regardless of race, color or planetary origin, to have DREAMS OF, or to ACTIVELY ENGAGE IN, any SINISTER PLAN 9or plans) to CONQUER, VANQUISH, SUBJUGATE, AND/OR ABBREVIATE THE WORLD OF SOME OTHER POOR FOOL... and I mean that SINCERELY, Miss... Miss... uh..."
DRAKMA: [miserably] "(sniff, sob, snerf) DRAKMA... (snivel)... Queen of Cosmic... (weep) GREED... (blubber, blubber, blubb)"
DURK: [ineptly consoling her] "There now, Princess... uh 'Drakuma' or whatever, uh... Just relax and lemme finish my story here... Now, I'm gonna be straight with you, and I don't want you to get offended, BUT... I couldn't help over-hearing that song from a few minutes ago... '
DRAKMA: [still sniveling] "You... you OVER-HEARD it? Well, I, (snorf)... "
DURK: [somewhat sternly] "Now, I'm just about to burst into song, so you relax DOWN HERE... "
[DURK places a comforting arm around the weeping SPACE-GIRL as the orchestra begins to play, guiding her into a heap on the floor. He pretends to undo his fly, turns his back to the audience, simultaneously jamming the Cosmic Maiden's majestic head between his legs.]
DURK: [crooning] "The planet of my dreams, the EARTH, my EARTH is bulging at the seams, the EARTH, my EARTH it's full of many schemes and as the sunlight beams the glory of our sciences and militant alliances reveal their BASIC WORTH along the mounds of dead appliances! The planet of my dreams, the EARTH, my EARTH I hear it's muffled screams, the EARTH, my EARTH and though it often seems from television beams that ignorance is rampant there and Governmental Goons don't care I know that I shall not despair and CHEAT like ALL THE REST I'll just keep on with what I do the best!"
[DURK squats gallantly beside the SPACE-GIRL, checking to make sure she has been properly erotized, and says... ]
DURK: [seductively] "You like me, dontcha, honey, huh? Some of us Earthlings are pretty swift, eh?"
DRAKMA: [swooning into his arms] "DURK, DURK, oh, DURK! I... I feel as though I... must SUCCUMB to your Animal Magnetism!"
DURK: [teasing her] "You really like me, dontcha, huh? I'm really gettin' you HOT (For a SPACE- GIRL), right? Boy, you'd really like to have me DO IT TO YOU... huh? EARTH-DICK, huh?"
DRAKMA: [steaming] "Oh DURK DICK-DORK! I'm so AROUSED by you! Take me to the HU-mungus SOFA... and make me quirm with 'Inner-Galactic Abandon'!"
DURK: "You bet I will, honey... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT... all you gotta do is... LAY OFF MY PLANET!"
[DRAKMA'S clumsy Space-Boots cause her to stumble as she tries to rise from the floor.]
DRAKMA: [completely enraged] "Why you miserable, DISGUSTING... MUSICIAN! You're just ALL THE REST!"
DURK: "But... but I... I was only trying to provide some form of... "
DRAKMA: [maniacally] "WHERE IS THAT SPIDER? HUNCHENTOOT! HUN-CHEN-TOOT! GET OUT OF THAT NAUSEATING LITTLE CAVE THIS INSTANT!"
[The 'FORCE-LINGS' (who have been meditating). Fumble blindly as the light come up, lifting their ping-pong balls so they can see what's going on. HUNCHENTOOT stomps out of his cave, pulling his shorts up.]
HUNCHENTOOT: "What de FUCK gone out here? Hey! EARTH-dude! You got my SPIDER-PUSSY yet?"
DURK: "Well, uh, no... y'see, I been a little busy, and... "
HUNCHENTOOT: [rolling up his imaginary sleeves] "Well, that about do it, then! I gone hafta eat yo' ass!"
[DRAKMA steps behind HUNCHENTOOT, pushing him forward.]
DRAKMA: [in the manner of a cheerleader] "YES! THAT'S IT! EAT IT, HUNCHENTOOT! EAT... HIS ASS!"
DURK: [hand raised in a Universal Gesture] "Now, just HOLD ON a minute! LISTEN UP! 'Cause BELIEVE IT OR NOT... I got your whole problem FIGURED OUT!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [looking him dead in the eye] "You got my SPIDER-MAMA, muthafucker?"
DURK: [assuredly] "NO, I GOT SOMETHING BETTER!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [grimly amused] "Shit! Ain't nothin' better'n no SPIDER-PUSSY, boy! Why you lyin' t' me like dat?"
DURK: [benevolently] "Look here, brother... would I lie to a GIANT SPIDER, such as yourself, AT A TIME LIKE THIS? I am TELLING YOU... I GOT IT! Now, what is it that you ‘go for' in a 'SPIDER MAMA'?"
HUNCHENTOOT: [drooling] "LEGS! LEGS! Nothin' but them LEGS! Shit... I jes them L-A-I-G-S!"
DURK: "PRECISELY! That's why I'm telling you: I GOT SOMETHING THAT MAY CHANGE YOUR LIFE!"
HUNCHENTOOT: "An' what might dat BE?"
DURK: [clinically] "Let's make a systematic analysis of what 'THE DEAL' is with you. From my own VAST EXPERIENCE as one of the GREATEST MINDS OF OUR TIME, I have been able to trace the evolution and structural development of YOUR HANG-UP as it relates to the enormous species 'SPIDER MAMA', and, let me tell you RIGHT NOW: the trouble with YOU, buddy, is YOU HAVE A MULTIPLE-APPENDAGE FIXATION!"
DRAKMA: "DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HUNCHENTOOT!"
DURK: [unperturbed] "NOW... there are TWO POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS to YOUR SPECIAL PROBLEM... "
HUNCHENTOOT: [listening intently] "No shit? How de first one go?"
DURK: "I'm glad you asked... LISTEN! There is SOMETHING very close to us right now, SQUIRMING... BREATHING HEAVILY... TORMENTED BY LUSTFUL DESIRES... IN DESPERATE NEED OF SOME KIND OF PERVERSE GRATIFICATION... and... it's got MORE LEGS THAN YOU EVER SAW BEFORE!"
HUNCHENTOOT: "No shit? Lotta LEGS, huh?"
DURK: [cheerfully] "Yes in-DEEDY!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [unconvincingly shrewd] "Within easy walkin' distance?"
DURK: "Just a MERE FEW FEET AWAY!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [looking around for it] "Hmmmm... Shit, EARTH-boy! You AW-RIGHT!"
[HUNCHENTOOT casually unleashes his spring-loaded dingus.]
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "Why don' you jus' go on an' show dis MANY-LEGGES FUCKIN' THING to me... RAT NOW!"
DURK GESTURES IN THE DIRECTION OF THE 'EQUIVALENT BROADWAY' AUDIENCE.
CUT TO: THE 'EQUIVALENT BROADWAY' AUDIENCE, WITH THE HOUSE LIGHTS UP AT HALF, SQUIRMING UNCOMFORTABLY AT THE PROSPECT OF HAVING TO 'AMUSE' THE GIANT SPIDER. THE CAMERA PANS THE GROUP, REVEALING THEM TO BE EVERY CHARACTER IN THE BOOK SO FAR (IN COSTUME, WITH THEIR GUESTS). CUT TO: THE STAGE.
DURK: [proudly] "There you go, buddy... It's ALL YOURS! Go ahead... FUCK THE 'MANY-LEGGED THING' YOU SEE BEFORE YOU!"
HUNCHENTOOT: [disappointed] "Uh... look here... I know y'all might MEAN well, but. dat 'THING' I seen squirmin' out dere cause me t' lose one o' de FINEST Giant Spider HARD-ONS I ever done sprung!"
HOUSE LIGHTS DIM AS HUNCHENTOOT HAULS HIS 'BUSINESS' BACK INTO HIS SHORTS.
DURK: [consoling him] "Well, perhaps it's best! Because, by YOUR REJECTION of this MANY-LEGGED TEMPTATION, a faint GLIMMER OF HOPE has appeared, causing me to steadfastly believe that your ‘HANG-UP'... can be CURED!"
HUNCHENTOOT: "What kind o' shit you tryin' to lay on me now, EARTH-Boy?"
DURK: [triumphantly] "SIMPLY THIS: With the assistance of the Devout Membership of my NEW and EXCITING NON-SECTARIAN UNIVERSAL WHOLE-WHEAT RELIGION, all the SKILLS, all the TECHNICAL KNOW-HOW... all the WARM, PERSONAL CONCERN of our BENEVOLENT FOUNDATION will be brought into FULL FORCE, in order to RID YOU, ONCE-AND-FOR-ALL, of the THINGS that caused YOUR HANG-UP in the FIRST PLACE!"
Very carefully, the 'FORCE-LINGS' group themselves around HUNCHENTOOT, waiting reverently, with bowed heads until DURK gives the secret signal. Without warning, they pounce on the unsuspecting insect and tear off all of his arms and legs (except the real ones), tossing them around the stage while the orchestra plays scary music. DRAKMA stands near the SOFA, aghast. THE SCENE BLACKS OUT. LIGHTS COME UP ON NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN, POSED LIKE ED SULLIVAN, NEAR THE SOFA.
NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: "And so, with and EXHILARATING RELIGIOUS FERVOR, the 'FORCE-LINGS' come to the assistance of the unhappy monster, relieving him of the VERY CAUSE of his DEEP-SEATDED EMOTIONAL PROBLEM!"
[Under cover of darkness, HUNCHENTOOT re-garbs himself in a mohair Pimp Suit, retaining the spider head-gear.]
DURK: "Well? How d'ya feel, my mean? Little bit better, huh? Any scar tissue?"
[HUNCHENTOOT stretches and tries out his new biped stance.]
HUNCHENTOOT: "Hmmmmm... Shit, EARTH-boy! Dis here is AWRIGHT... SAY! Wait a minute! JES' ONE LIL' MINUTE...I SEE SOMETHIN' LOOKIN' GOOD TO ME! Shit! Say now, LITTLE MISS MUFFETT! What's you favrit' form o' recreation?"
[DURK, ignoring THE QUEEN OF COSMIC GREED (and her PIMP), addresses the assembled mutants.]
DURK: "Well. Guys ‘n Gals... WE DID IT! WE ACTUALLY DID IT! DIDN'T WE?"
'FORCE-LINGS': [mod-religious unison monotone] WE SURE DID, MASTER, AND IT WAS OUTASITE, AND ALSO... INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL!
[HUNCHENTOOT has got DRAKMA laid out on the couch already, with his hand under her gown.]
HUNCHENTOOT: [shouting] "HEY! EARTH-DUDE! WHEN Y'ALL GWINE HOME?"
DURK looks around for his watch.
DURK: "Uh... I... Tell you in a minute - Musta dropped my watch during the BIG CEREMONY... "
HUNCHENTOOT pulls his hand out and sniffs it all the way up to his mohair elbow, as he rises from the SOFA and bounds nimbly over to DURK.
HUNCHENTOOT: [craftily] "No shit! Mebbe I c'n he'p y'all out! (Don' you move a pound, LONG LADY! I gone be right back!)"
HUNCHENTOOT grabs DURK by the shoulder and gives him a 'Bum's-Rush' to the front of the stage, as he opens his coat to reveal a vast assortment of watches and jewelry.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "Look here, brothuh! Look here... muthafuckin' price tags still on 'em! An' they all RUNNIN' LIKE A CHAMP! Twenny-one JEWELS keepin' perfect time How much bread you makin' up here?"
DURK rummages around inside HUNCHENTOOT'S jacket as the spider gallantly holds it open for him.
DURK: [intrigued] "Say! What's this one here? A ‘HARNILTON'! Precision-jeweled MOVEMENT!"
HUNCHENTOOT plucks the gleaming 'HARNILTON' away from DURK, hypnotically dangling it back and forth.
HUNCHENTOOT: "An' THAT muthafucker can be YOURS... to HAVE an' to HOLD... for a measly ol' 'TWO-HUNNA DOLLAH BILL'... You makin' least dat much ‘roun here... dis a UNION HOUSE, ain't it?"
DURK: [glazed] "I... I've never seen a... ‘HARNILTON'... such as this!"
'FORCE-LINGS' #1 & #2 come to DURK'S aid and attempt to remove him from HUNCHENTOOT'S evil spell.
'FORCE-LING' #1 [seriously] "No, MASTER!"
'FORCE-LING' #2 [seriously also] "MASTER! We must return to the EARTH!"
HUNCHENTOOT continues to dangle the watch hypnotically.
DURK: [entranced] "The ‘HARNILTON'! I must have... The 'HARNILTON'... "
'FORCE-LING' #1 [getting upset] "SNAP OUT OF IT, MASTER! DON'T WATCH!"
'FORCE-LING' #2 [earnestly] "NO, MASTER! DON'T WATCH THE WATCH!"
HUNCHENTOOT, still dangling the watch with one hand, reaches over with his other and pokes 'FORCE-LING' #2 first in the right eye, then in the left, finally pulling the ping-pong balls over both eyes in a perfect 3-STOOGES tic-tac-toe movement.
HUNCHENTOOT: "Why don't y'all jes' get the fuck outa my way, fo' you lose some EQUILIBRIUM, boy! Dis here de world of HIGH FINANCE!"
DRAKMA sleazes overtly from the couch to HUNCHENTOOT'S side.
DRAKMA: [sleazing] "What's keepin' you baby? Don't you remember your PROMISE?"
HUNCHENTOOT: [simultaneously dangling the watch and tweezing DRAKMA'S erogenous zones.] "You KNOW I ain't gonna lie to YOU, baby! I done told you I was gonna make bofe us rich ‘n famous (An' YOU especially, dahlin')... along wif a complete ALL EXPENSES PAID muthafuckin' VACATION to the PLANET of YO' CHOICE!"
DURK: [delirious] "THE ‘HARNILTON'! I must have the... "
HUNCHENTOOT: "... An' I gone take care of ALL THAT GOOD STUFF RAT NOW! Psst! EARTH-dude! When y'all gwine home?"
DURK, still delirious, gropes for the watch.
DURK: "... can't seem to... can't find my watch... must've dropped it... during the..."
HUNCHENTOOT: [manipulating his mind] "I b'lieve I can detect, fum yo' HIGHLY UN-CO-ORDINATED MOVEMENTS, a flamin' desire to acquire dis FINE QUALITY TIMEPIECE I been danglin' front yo' eyes here!"
DURK gropes blindly for the watch.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "An' it gwine be your'n in all its GLEAMIN' GLORY... Not fo no TWO-hunna-dollah bill... Not fo no ONE-hunna-dollah bill... Not fo no FIFTY-dollah bill, an' not fo no SPARE CHANGE NEETHUH... onliest thing dis MAGNIFICENT MUTHAFUCKER gone cost you, is a PIECE O' YO MIND... an' what I MEANS, brothuh, is when I put dis sucker in YO HAND, YOU... ‘n ME... 'n MY OL' LADY... 'long wif dem stupid-lookin' muthafuckers over there... "
HUNCHENTOOT gestures with the watch toward the 'FORCE-LING' encampment... DURK lunges blindly after it.
HUNCHENTOOT: (contd.) "We all GWINE be GWINE through TIME 'n SPACE... back to yo SILLY-ASS PLANET an' WE ALL GONE CLEAN UP on them lame muthafuckers down dere! NOW! GET YO ASS READY... 'cause y'all's gonna 'THINK US OVER', soon's I whip this little 'TIME MACHINE' on you... Awreet, MUTHAFUCKER... YOU GOT IT NOW!"
THE STAGE GOES BERSERK WITH COLOR-BLOBS ON THE BIG SCREEN, FLASHING STROBES, SHRIEKING SYNTHESIZERS, ETC.
DURK: [still hypnotized, his mumbling can just barely be heard over the catastrophe around him.] "I've got it... I've got it... GOT IT NOW... THE 'HARNILTON' IS... MINE!"
DURK stands transfixed in a solitary magenta spot light as the 'FORCE-LINGS', DRAKMA and HUNCHENTOOT whirl around him, supposedly buffered by 'THE WINDS OF TIME'. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: SPECIAL EFFECTS EXTRAVAGANZA depicting the 'THOUGHT VOYAGE' through 'DRAKMA'S SPACE', which will supposedly return the cast to the 'EQUIVALENT BROADWAY' STAGE. THE EFFECTS INCLUDES PARODIES OF THE ‘2001' SOLARIZATION, MIXED WITH THE FAKE METEOR STORM, SUPERIMPOSED ON THE ‘CLOCK ANIMATION' WITH ALLAN THE CLOWN SELLING POPCORN. CUT TO: THE DUMMY, ALMOST CARL SAGAN, and THE PAPIER-MACHE SPIDER, with their eyes glued to the tiny TV in his room, watching the SPECIAL EFFECTS EXTRAVAGANZA. CUT TO: CONCLUSION OF EXTRAVAGANZA, with the 'EQUIVALENT EARTH' looming larger and larger. DISSOLVE TO: NIGHT TIME IN A FUTURISTIC SLUM, CROWDED WITH NEON RELIGIOUS ADVERTISEMENTS, DEAD APPLIANCES, GURGLING SPEWAGE, AND BARNEY'S BAGGED NEIGHBORS, each of them carrying a ‘Space-Ghetto Blaster'. From these, we presumably hear the backing track for HUNCHENTOOT'S next number.
HUNCHENTOOT: [singing and dancing] "I ate a HOT DOG! It tasted REAL GOOD! Then I watched a movie from HOLLYWOOD!"
GRETCHEN: [with THE EXPLODED KILLER COLLIE in tow] I ate a HOT DOG! It tasted REAL GOOD! Then I watched a movie from HOLLYWOOD!
HUNCHENTOOT: [motioning to DRAKMA] "LITTLE MISS MUFFETT on a squat by me took a turn around, I said: 'Can y'all see?' The little strings on the GIANT SPIDER? The 'Zipper From The Black Lagoon'? The vents by the tanks where the bubbles go up, and the FLAPS on the side of THE MOON! The jelly 'n paint on the 40 watt bulb they use when 'The Slime' droozle off! The rumples & the wrinkles in the cardboard rock, and the canvas of the cave is too soft! The suits 'n the hats ‘n the tie is TOO WIDE, 'N too SHORT for the SCIENTIST-MAN! The Chemistry Lady with the roll-away mind and the MONSTER just ate Japan!"
CUT TO: MEDIUM SHOT OF KHADAFFI (we know it's him because he's still got that semi-swami flower-child-of-the-desert 1960 sort of shirt on), wearing a black leather S&M mask, attempting to 'irrigate' the poodle-faced mutant cocktail waitress with an enormous CUT TO: MEDIUM SHOT OF KHADAFFI (we know it's him because he's still got that semi-swami flower-child-of-the-desert 1960 sort of shirt on), wearing a black leather S&M mask, attempting to 'irrigate' the poodle-faced mutant cocktail waitress with an enormous hose attached to a cement truck parked alongside the SOFA.
ALMOST & NOT QUITE SAGAN: [reciting in unison] "Ladies and gentlemen, 'THE MONSTER', which the peasants in this area call 'FRUNOBULAX', (apparently a very large POODLE DOG) has just been seen approaching THE POWER PLANT! BULLETS can't stop it ROCKETS can't stop it. We may have to use NUCLEAR FORCE!
The 'FORCE-LINGS' grab bundles of religious pamphlets, working their way through the crowd, collecting cash. KHADAFFI, with the concrete-pumping hose between his legs, continues to 'pour it on', as FRUNOBULAX inflates grotesquely.
HUNCHENTOOT: [stimulated] HERE COMES THAT POODLE DOG! BIG AS A BLIMP WITH A RHINESTONE COLLAR! SNAPPIN' OFF THE TREES, LIKE THEY WAS BONSAI'D ORNAMENTS ON A DRY-WOBBLE LANDSCAPE KEEP IT AWAY! DON'T LET THE POODLE BITE ME! WE CAN'T LET IT REPRODUCE! OH! SOMEBODY GET OUT THE PANTS!
FRUNOBULAX, now unbelievably large, crushes KHADAFFI into a stinking porridge. CUT TO: E.C.U. CLAY ANIMATION OF KHADAFFI DEBRIS... his erupting internal machinery crawls along the asphalt like a mass of squirming swastikas. CUT TO:
ALMOST & NOT QUITE CARL SAGAN: [reciting in unison] "The National Guard has formed up at the base of THE MOUNTAIN and is attempting to lure THE ENORMOUS POODLE towards the cave, where they hope to DESTROY IT with NAPALM! A thousand of the Troopers are now lined up, and are calling to the monster..."
BARNEY'S NEIGHBORS: "Here FIDO! Here FIDO!"
HUNCHENTOOT: "GOT A GREAT BIG SLIMEY ‘THING', GOT A GREAT BIG HEAVY ‘THING', GOT A GREAT BIG POODLE 'THING', GOT A GREAT BIG HAIRY 'THING'. C'mon, everybody! Let's go! Get the distilled water! Get the canned goods! Get the toilet paper! You know we need it!"
BARNEY'S NEIGHBORS: [choral harmony] GO TO DA SHELTER! ("MY BABY, MY BABY!") GO TO DA SHELTER! GO TO DA SHELTER!
[DURK stumbles blindly into an alley, still fetishing his watch, where he is mugged by the SUB-ATOMIC PHYSICISTS.]
HUNCHENTOOT: "LITTLE MISS MUFFETT on a squat by me, can ya see the little string danglin' down? Makes the legs go WOBBLE an' the mouth FLOP SHUT an' the HORRIBLE EYE, HORRIBLE EYE, HORRIBLE EYE. Go rollin' around! Can y'see it all? Can y'see it from here? Can y'laugh till yer weak on yer knees? If you can't, I'm sorry, ‘cause that's ALL I WANNA KNOW! I need a little more CHEEPNIS, please! 'Cause that's ALL I WANNA KNOW! I need a little more CHEEPNIS, please!"
HUNCHENTOOT gestures to BARNEY'S NEIGHBORS, urging them to make a purchase from the 10-foot replica prophylactic vending machine which has just been lowered in from NOWHERE, puncturing the bloated FRUNOBULAX. His first customer is little JIMMY. DRAKMA sprawls lewdly across the SOFA, while HUNCHENTOOT throws a switch, illuminating a spectacular neon sign (also from NOWHERE) which reads: "FUCK GREED!" Little JIMMY is the first to try. He hands HUNCHENTOOT a bag of blow, gives him ‘five', climbs aboard the Space-Whore, and humps her frantically, with his sores running and his Bozo hair tossing in SLOW MOTION like a shampoo commercial. The BAGGED NEIGHBORS wait in line, ready to take their turn. Almost unnoticed, cash in hand, is the ALIEN. CUT TO: E.C.U. HUNCHENTOOT, doing JIMMY'S blow, with wads of hideous dime-store Rainbow-Afro CLOWN NAP poofing out all over him.