Uncle Bernie's Farm

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I'm dreaming... (Oh no-o-o!)

There's a bomb to blow yo mommy up
A bomb for your daddy too (ouch.)
A baby doll that burps & pees
A case of airplane glue
A hungry plastic troll
To scarf yo buddy's arm
A box of ugly plastic things marked:
Uncle Bernie's Farm!

There's a little plastic congress
There's a nation you can buy (I'll take two.)
There's a doll that looks like mommy
She'll do anything but cry (I seen her.)
There's a doll that looks like daddy
He's a funny little man
Push a button & ask for money
There's a dollar in his hand (check his wallet.)

We gotta send Santa Claus back to the Rescue Mission
Christmas don't make it no more
Don't you know that murder & destruction
Scream the toys in every store (think this'll sell in New York?)

There's a man who runs the country
There's a man who tried to think
And they're all made out of plastic
When they melt they start to stink
There's a book with smiling children
Nearly dead with Christmas joys!
And smiling in his office
Is the creep who makes the toys . . .

FZ: We got this car: when it hits the wall you see the guy dying... got the little plastic puddles of blood... by the car
Ray: He has intestines... he has plastic intestines you can stuff back into his stomach...
FZ: There's this other thing, I've got bombs. I've got rockets, I've got a... I've got a stilson wrench & plastic brass knuckles...
Ray: And it comes with a tape recorder with sound effects...
FZ: We got a '39 Chevy...

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Notes About This Song

  • Uncle Bernie's Farm was originally called "Send Santa Claus Back To The Rescue Mission".
  • The opening line: "I'm dreaming..." a quote from White Christmas (by Irving Berlin)
  • FZ.: "Uncle Bernie's Farm is a song about ugly toys and the people who makes them. Implied here is the possibility that people who buy the ugly toys might be as ugly as the toys themselves."

CC Clues In This Song