Scene 87 (Alternate Take)

Chorus:
Your dick.

Mark & Howard:
Your dick!

Chorus:
Your dork.

Mark & Howard:
Your dork?

Chorus:
Your prick.

Mark & Howard:
Your prick.

Chorus:
Your pork.

Lucy:
Your pork?

Janet:
Pork?

Lucy:
Who calls it a pork? These men . . . and the stuff they call a wee-wee . . .

Mark & Howard:
A wee-wee?

Rance:
You mean a penis, don't you?

Lucy:
A penis?

Janet:
Penis is such an ugly word!

Rance:
Not that ugly, really.

Mark:
Sure, I use it all the time.

Howard:
Sure, sure, we all say it every once in a while . . . listen . . .

Mark & Howard:
Penis!

Chorus:
Eeuoo!

Mark & Howard & Chorus:
Penis!
Penis!

Janet:
Oh, it sounds so revolting the way you guys say it . . . eeuoo . . . ka-ka!

Janet & Lucy:
Ka-ka!

Rance:
A penis can be a very useful organ!

Howard:
Yeah, and very exciting too (once you get to know me).

Mark & Howard & Chorus:
Penis! Penis!

Lucy:
It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal!

Janet:
A "penis" sounds like something a doctor would have hanging off of him.

Lucy: None of the men I know and love in the rock & roll business got "penises." They all have cocks, or dicks at least.

Janet:
Sure . . . you want to go strap on a pop star and he wants to stuff a "penis" up you . . . where is that at?

Mark:
Let's ask our studio audience . . .
Will you trade what he has in his pants for what I have behind this curtain?

Janet:
What is it?

Lucy:
You mean what's in his pants?

Janet:
I know what's in his pants . . . He's a lonely guy.

Orchestra:
Take the money! Take the money!

Mark:
You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling . . . You . . . Hey, buddy, sky marshall . . . go whirl the big wheel!

Lucy:
Can I just take the money?

Janet:
There isn't any money, just the curtain and . . .

Lucy:
. . . the lonely guy.

Orchestra:
Take the curtain! Take the curtain!

Mark:
Time is running out . . . think it over carefully!

Janet:
The curtain?

Lucy:
I want the money.

Janet:
Wait!
What could it be in there?

Lucy:
In his pants?

Janet:
In the curtain!

Howard:
Doesn't anybody care what's in my pants?

Lucy:
It's too little to have a car or a refrigerator in it.

Mark:
Don't be deceived by the size of the curtain!

Recordings

200 Motels 50th Anniversary Edition

Note

• Everything starting from "Let's ask our studio audience" is a parody of the game show Let's Make a Deal.