Scene 57: The Perverted Nun

The Hot Nun:
I'm going to die. I know I'm going to die, I can tell because my pulse is so weak. The pills . . . I took so many downers that I know this is the end for me.

Janet:
You poor thing. You want us to fix your hair for you so you look good when they find you?

The Hot Nun:
Oh . . . would you?

Janet:
Sure, whaddya want? A pony tail? A flat-top with fenders?

The Hot Nun:
I'm gonna die, Janet, I'm gonna O.D.! So make me look good.

Janet:
Listen, the best I can do for you is fix your hair, so why don't you get up and wash that melted eye makeup off your face?

The Hot Nun:
Is it smeared? I've been crying so much . . . it's so damn sad when you know you'll never see all your friends anymore.

Janet:
Every week it's the same old thing. You're gonna die. You're gonna die. Somebody went out on you. Somebody doesn't love you anymore. How long you been a groupie? You should get used to romances which are so obviously cheap. Listen, just in case you crash out, and the imaginary rock & roll newspaper from San Francisco wants to get any pictures of you, you'll look like you washed your face. Really. It's better this way with a clean face. People think groupies are such dirty girls!

Aynsley:
Wouldn't mind sort of fucking all three of them! Heh-hmm.

Lucy:
Look, over there!

Janet:
What?

Lucy:
He's doing it, he's watching us from the fake bandstand with the binoculars!

Janet:
Who, the Englishness?

Lucy:
The Rivet Boy!

The Hot Nun:
The Rivet Boy? Where?

Lucy:
Over there . . . Wipe that stuff out of your eyes! Looks like he's beating off!

Janet:
Beating off? I knew he was a pervert.

Lucy:
Eeeuuooo, how exciting! Hey, are you still trying to O.D.?

The Hot Nun:
Yes, this definitely is the end for me . . . I feel so faint . . . so weak . . .

Janet:
Good evening, honey, that was the most imaginary collapse I've seen since last week!

Lucy:
Janet, do you think she's gonna die?

Janet:
Are you kidding? Did you see her hit the floor?

Lucy:
God, well, it was so obviously cheap. Lift the head, honey!

The Hot Nun:
I'm going to die . . . this time it's real . . .

Janet:
Listen, Lucy, we gotta get ready for our big dance number, we're going to the fake night club tonight.

The Hot Nun:
Everything is getting dim . . .

Lucy:
Why don't you tell her a story while you put your makeup on? Ah . . . evening.

Janet:
Oh. Listen, toots. I'm gonna make up a nice little fairy tale for you.

The Hot Nun:
Ooh, the pills . . . Mandrax . . . I took so many of them . . .

Janet:
I'll tell you part of the story, and then you make up another part that goes along with it. Once upon a time there was a tall, handsome, muscular . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . dwarf . . .

Janet:
. . . with a very special . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . Swedish apparatus . . .

Janet:
. . . that him and his friends would use in conjunction with . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . bold new surgical experiments . . .

Janet:
. . . involving . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . a bludgeon and a bottle of champagne . . .

Janet:
. . . and a . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . microwave oven . . .

Janet:
. . . from a . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . jumbo jet, one of the big jobs leased from Air Rangoon . . .

Janet:
. . . which, when used correctly . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . can effectively increase the dimensions . . .

Janet:
. . . and firepower of your . . .

The Hot Nun:
. . . dick . . .

Janet:
. . . to the point where . . .

Lucy:
. . . in some instances, it should be classified as a lethal weapon!

Recordings

200 Motels 50th Anniversary Edition

CC Clues

• Drugs" "I'm going to O.D."
• Sweden: "...Swedish apparatus..."
• United Kingdom: "Who, the Englishness"