Lonesome Cowboy Burt (Swaggart Version)

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My name is Swaggart
I am an asshole
All my friends,
They call me "Jim"
(Hi, Jim!)
I'm from Louisiana,
I make lots of money,
But I fucked up
And committed a sin

Come out here to Californy,
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
(No shit!)
The ones I seen
Gets me so horny;
Ruby lips,
'N teeth like pearls!

Wanna love 'em all!
In the name of Jesus!
Wanna pretty girl -
I'll even pay!
I'll buy 'em furs!
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
I'll never fuck them;
Here's what I say:

I'm lonesome Cowboy Jim!
(Speakin' atcha!)
I only give 'em the tips of him!
(Posin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here prostitute...

(He's lonesome Cowboy Jim
Look at the tip of him!)
Come on in this place,
'N I'll buy you a taste,
You can sit on my face -
Where's my prostitute/waitress?

Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (thank you!)
Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (yessir!)

I'm an awful nice guy! (so you say)
I sweat all day in the sun! (oh yeah, yeah)
I'm a preacher by trade,
Quite a bundle like me,
And I'm a feature ol' mumble-mumble
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Fill in the blank!

When I get off, I get,
When I get off, I get,
When... I, I, I, I,
And then, Sharkey says:[1]
When I get off (pfft!)
I get sinful
(Just the tip! Only the tip now, come on)
I spoo
Till I goo
On the rug
Then I find me
Some eighteen ninety-five Luiann-, Louisiana style prostitute
And make her do pornographic stunts while I watch
And I have
So much fun
Jay-zus! Jay-zus!
(Pornographic stunts and I have so much fun)

I huff
And I puff
And I pump up my sanctified erection
Till my cheeks
Puff up
An' turn red
Along with my neck
(Say, varmint!)
I drool
On my shirt
Takes a little while before I squirt
But I've been doin' it for twenty years and they haven't caught me yet
Made a mistake this time!
Now I've sinned
(What an asshole!)
Made a mistake and I sinned, uh!
Made a mistake and I sinned, ow!
Made a mistake and I sinned, what?
Made a mistake and I sinned

Lonesome Cowboy Jim!
(Sinnin' atcha!)
Come smell this fringe-y shirt!
(Grinnin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here prostitute...

(He's lonesome cowboy jim/scott,
Don't you dare to laugh at him/swat)
(Oh, tune me in now)
Come on in this place,
An' I'll buy you a taste,
'N you can sit on my face -
Where's my prostitute?
Opal, you hot little bitch!

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Notes About This Song

Variation of Lonesome Cowboy Burt with the lyrics altered to target televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, who was caught in a 1988 sex scandal.

  1. "Those readers unfamiliar with Laurie Anderson's work might not realize that we're parodying her in the middle section of 'Lonesome'---'Sharkey' is a character in several of her songs. I suggested including the relentless "ha ha ha ha ha ha" vocal part, ripped off from her song 'O Superman', and I came to regret it on some evenings when Frank decided to keep the section going on forever." - Mike Keneally

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