I'm Going To Have To Put You On Medication
Doctor: OK. Now, I'm going to have to put you on some medication, Bill. I can't say it's going to do anything, but it's our only shot—you follow me? Now this stuff is strong, OK? It has some side effects. After a few days, your vision may blur a bit, and uh, you'll find your sex drive diminished. You probably also get a little dizzy when you stand up. But don't worry about any of that. What you will find worrisome is when your hair starts to fall out—it's not pretty. Also you will start, oh I say after two weeks, getting large itchy bleeding scabs on your arms and legs, and you'll lose most feeling in your fingers, toes, nose, ears. After a month, you may suffer temporary blindness, and frequent nausea, vomiting, incontinence will set in, and your nose will bleed from time to time. That's all. After four weeks, we check you, we see how the medication is doing, and if you need something stronger. OK? OK. Have a nice day.
Prostitute: Hey handsome! Wanna party? Huh? Wanna go out? You look a little depressed. Let me cheer you up. I know some place where they have an air conditioner. We can pull down the shades. Turn on the TV set nice and low. Get relaxed. Mmm. You know what I mean babe? Ooohh—[slurp]—mmm [slurps]. Hey, ever have an oral massage? Huh? Ever have an oral Massaggio? [slurps]. You know what I mean babe, huh? Hey babe. Hey babe! Hey, c'mon. Don't walk away from me. C'mon. Hey, c'mon, come back here! Discount! Discount day. Ten bucks. Five bucks. C'mon! Two bucks. Massaggio. Massaggioro. Massaggio Mister Mo. Twenty-five cents! Twenty! Free, c'mon, I'll do whatever. I'm a Republican!
Drunken Bum: Get outta here ya fuckin whore! Ya Whore. Hey buddy. Hey buddy! Can you help a guy out—whadda ya say? I haven't eaten for two weeks. 'Conomy is killing me. Whadda ya say? Ya got fifty cents for me buddy, for a veteran—whadda ya say? Twenty cents? Ya got a penny there bud? How about—how about a cigarette? Ya got a cigarette? How about a match? Ya got a match there bud? Huh? You're a bum. You're a bum! Get outta here ya faggot ya shit ya [unintelligible mutterings—coughs] shutupyafaggotshitya.
Crackhead: Jimmy, Jimmy! See if he's got any cigarettes—I lost mine. Hey babe, how ya doing? Hmm? Don't walk away from me babe. C'mon you're cute—you know that? Wanna go smoke some crack? It's great— it's like having a cattle prod stuffed into yer uvula. Ya know what a uvula is? It's that thing that hangs down the back of your throat—you see it in the cartoons all the time. Y'know. Felix the Cat, he's got one of those. No, he doesn't smoke crack that's not what I'm sayin'—you're not listening to me. C'mon, come over here. C'mon, try it. Hey old man! Ya got a match? I wanna smoke some crack. C'mere.
Drunken Bum: You're-fuckin-young-shit-ya-fucker-ya-faggot-shit-ya-fuck! Ya uvula. You're a uvula, you're a bum! That's what—you're a bum! I know, I know what you're doing. I see ya lookin at me, ya think I'm funny. Is that what ya think? Am I the funny guy, huh? Ya wanna see somethin funny? I'll show ya somethin funny—OK, wait, here, I'll show ya something funny, look at this, huh.
[PHPHPHPHPHPHHHT!]
Tony: Bobby? Bobby, yeah it's Tony again. Listen, I was thinkin'—I got an idea. We need a comedian; you got a comedian for me? Yeah, what? Perfect! Alright. So get this comedian, and we give him like a knife, or a straight razor or something, right? And after the guys' ass gets blown off with the M-80, the guy chops the guys' dick off, alright? And the guy bleeds to death on stage—whadda ya think of that, huh? It's a good idea, ain't it? I think, it just came to me, y'know; cause you—you was thinkin' about art and everything y'know and uh. What—the guys afraid he's gonna die? So what? Let him die. Let him die—what's a. what's another performance artist here or there. Alright. Yeah, yeah it's gonna be... it's gonna be a lotta fun. It'll be a nice evening for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. OK. Alright, OK good. See ya later Bob. Hey Bob—don't forget, bring the wife. Alright, good. Bye-bye.
