Church of American Secular Humanism
Unused Press Release, 1987
"ZAPPA ANNOUNCES C.A.S.H. – CHURCH OF AMERICAN SECULAR HUMANISM"
Thousands of years ago, wise men predicted a NEW RELIGION would appear at the time of a unique planetary alignment called The Harmonic Convergence – THE PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED!
The ancient writings didn't mention a Nixon-appointed judge named Brevard Hand, but they should have.
His ruling in the controversial Alabama School Textbook Case provided the Final Sign From On High which led the unpredictable Mr. Honker to file articles of incorporation in the State of Alabama for C.A.S.H. – CHURCH OF AMERICAN SECULAR HUMANISM.
In deciding the case, Judge Hand ruled that 'Secular Humanism' was, in fact, an actual religion, and that the tenets of its faith were dominating the curriculum of Alabama Schools, thereby violating the civil rights of decent Christian folks who demanded 'equal time.'
The problem with this historic legal interpretation, according to some, was that there really wasn't a 'religion' called Secular Humanism ... and certainly no CHURCH of SECULAR HUMANISM.
Out of this desperate need, C.A.S.H. was created. Zappa reasoned that, if the Judge's ruling was upheld, Secular Humanism was entitled to the same benefits under U.S. law that every other religion enjoys: tax exemptions, awesome political power, unaudited expenditures of vast sums on real estate speculations, etc., so, in drafting the Tenets Of The Faith, he duplicated the actual language of the Judge's ruling, adding to it a few thoughts of his own. (THE COMPLETE LIST IS INCLUDED LATER.)
When asked to explain, Zappa paraphrased Oliver North, saying, "As a result of Judge Hand's finding on this matter, I sensed a need for the creation of an 'off-the-shelf, stand-alone, self-financing (religious) organization, capable of worldwide covert action.'
He also said, "If the Judge's ruling is struck down ... and, in fact, it should be, there is still a need for this church. The people of Our Faith refuse to be persecuted any longer by a fanatical fifth column, shoveling money in the direction of 'special friends' in Washington, D.C."