Uncle Bernie's Farm
I'm dreaming... (Oh no-o-o!)
There's a bomb to blow yo mommy up
A bomb for your daddy too (ouch.)
A baby doll that burps & pees
A case of airplane glue
A hungry plastic troll
To scarf yo buddy's arm
A box of ugly plastic things marked:
Uncle Bernie's Farm!
There's a little plastic congress
There's a nation you can buy (I'll take two.)
There's a doll that looks like mommy
She'll do anything but cry (I seen her.)
There's a doll that looks like daddy
He's a funny little man
Push a button & ask for money
There's a dollar in his hand (check his wallet.)
We gotta send Santa Claus back to the Rescue Mission
Christmas don't make it no more
Don't you know that murder & destruction
Scream the toys in every store (think this'll sell in New York?)
There's a man who runs the country
There's a man who tried to think
And they're all made out of plastic
When they melt they start to stink
There's a book with smiling children
Nearly dead with Christmas joys!
And smiling in his office
Is the creep who makes the toys . . .
FZ: We got this car: when it hits the wall you see the guy dying... got the little plastic puddles of blood... by the car
Ray: He has intestines... he has plastic intestines you can stuff back into his stomach...
FZ: There's this other thing, I've got bombs. I've got rockets, I've got a... I've got a stilson wrench & plastic brass knuckles...
Ray: And it comes with a tape recorder with sound effects...
FZ: We got a '39 Chevy...
Players On This Song
- Frank Zappa - guitar, vocals
- Ray Collins - vocals, tambourine
- Jim Fielder - guitar, piano
- Don Preston - keyboards
- Bunk Gardner - woodwinds
- Roy Estrada - bass, vocals
- Jimmy Carl Black - drums, vocals
- Billy Mundi - drums, percussion
Records On Which This Song Has Appeared
Zappa Albums & Side Projects
Tribute & Cover Albums
Notes About This Song
- Uncle Bernie's Farm was originally called "Send Santa Claus Back To The Rescue Mission".
- The opening line: "I'm dreaming..." a quote from White Christmas (by Irving Berlin)
- FZ.: "Uncle Bernie's Farm is a song about ugly toys and the people who makes them. Implied here is the possibility that people who buy the ugly toys might be as ugly as the toys themselves."