Uncle Bernie's Farm

Lyrics

I'm dreaming... (Oh no-o-o!)

There's a bomb to blow yo mommy up
A bomb for your daddy too (ouch.)
A baby doll that burps & pees
A case of airplane glue
A hungry plastic troll
To scarf yo buddy's arm
A box of ugly plastic things marked:
Uncle Bernie's Farm!

There's a little plastic congress
There's a nation you can buy (I'll take two.)
There's a doll that looks like mommy
She'll do anything but cry (I seen her.)
There's a doll that looks like daddy
He's a funny little man
Push a button & ask for money
There's a dollar in his hand (check his wallet.)

We gotta send Santa Claus back to the Rescue Mission
Christmas don't make it no more
Don't you know that murder & destruction
Scream the toys in every store (think this'll sell in New York?)

There's a man who runs the country
There's a man who tried to think
And they're all made out of plastic
When they melt they start to stink
There's a book with smiling children
Nearly dead with Christmas joys!
And smiling in his office
Is the creep who makes the toys . . .

FZ: We got this car: when it hits the wall you see the guy dying... got the little plastic puddles of blood... by the car
I'M DREAMING...
Ray: He has intestines... he has plastic intestines you can stuff back into his stomach...
FZ: There's this other thing, I've got bombs. I've got rockets, I've got a... I've got a stilson wrench & plastic brass knuckles...
Ray: And it comes with a tape recorder with sound effects...
FZ: We got a '39 Chevy...

Records On Which This Song Has Appeared

Official Zappa Albums

• Absolutely Free

Notes About This Song

• Uncle Bernie's Farm was originally called "Send Santa Claus Back To The Rescue Mission".
• includes a quote from White Christmas (Berlin)
• FZ.: "Uncle Bernie's Farm is a song about ugly toys and the people who makes them. Implied here is the possibility that people who buy the ugly toys might be us ugly as the toys themselves."