Lonesome Cowboy Burt (Swaggart Version)

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Lyrics


My name is Swaggart
I am an asshole
All my friends,
They call me "Jim"
(Hi, Jim!)
I'm from Louisiana,
I make lots of money,
But I fucked up
And committed a sin

Come out here to Californy,
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
(No shit!)
The ones I seen
Gets me so horny;
Ruby lips,
'N teeth like pearls!

Wanna love 'em all!
In the name of Jesus!
Wanna pretty girl -
I'll even pay!
I'll buy 'em furs!
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
I'll never fuck them;
Here's what I say:

I'm lonesome Cowboy Jim!
(Speakin' atcha!)
I only give 'em the tips of him!
(Posin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here prostitute...
Yodel-oh-ooh-pee-hey
Yodel-oh-ooh-pee!

(He's lonesome Cowboy Jim
Look at the tip of him!)
Come on in this place,
'N I'll buy you a taste,
You can sit on my face -
Where's my prostitute/waitress?

Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (thank you!)
Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (yessir!)

I'm an awful nice guy! (so you say)
I sweat all day in the sun! (oh yeah, yeah)
I'm a preacher by trade,
Quite a bundle like me,
And I'm a feature ol' mumble-mumble
Son-of-a-gun!
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!)
Fill in the blank!

When I get off, I get,
When I get off, I get,
When... I, I, I, I,
And then, Sharkey says:
When I get off (pfft!)
I get sinful
(Just the tip! Only the tip now, come on)
I spoo
Till I goo
On the rug
Then I find me
Some eighteen ninety-five Luiann-, Louisiana style prostitute
And make her do pornographic stunts while I watch
And I have
So much fun
Jay-zus! Jay-zus!
(Pornographic stunts and I have so much fun)
(What?)

I huff
And I puff
(Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche)
And I pump up my sanctified erection
Till my cheeks
Puff up
An' turn red
Along with my neck
(Say, varmint!)
I drool
On my shirt
Takes a little while before I squirt
But I've been doin' it for twenty years and they haven't caught me yet
UH-OH!
Made a mistake this time!
Now I've sinned
Everybody!
(What an asshole!)
Made a mistake and I sinned, uh!
Made a mistake and I sinned, ow!
Made a mistake and I sinned, what?
Made a mistake and I sinned

Lonesome Cowboy Jim!
(Sinnin' atcha!)
Come smell this fringe-y shirt!
(Grinnin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here prostitute...
Yodel-oh-ooh-pee-yeah
Yodel-oh-ooh-pee!

(He's lonesome cowboy jim/scott,
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo
Don't you dare to laugh at him/swat)
(Oh, tune me in now)
Come on in this place,
An' I'll buy you a taste,
'N you can sit on my face -
Where's my prostitute?
Opal, you hot little bitch!

Players On This Song

THE BEST BAND YOU NEVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE version

Records On Which This Song Has Appeared

Singles

FZ Albums & Side Projects

Tribute & Cover Albums

Notes About This Song

The lyrics of this Zappa song have been altered to target televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, who was caught in a 1988 sex scandal.

See also: Lonesome Cowboy Burt.

CC Clues In This Song

"Those readers unfamiliar with Laurie Anderson's work might not realize that we're parodying her in the middle section of 'Lonesome'---'Sharkey' is a character in several of her songs. I suggested including the relentless "ha ha ha ha ha ha" vocal part, ripped off from her song 'O Superman', and I came to regret it on some evenings when Frank decided to keep the section going on forever."