Dong Work For Yuda

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Lyrics

Act II

SCENE TWELVE
DONG WORK FOR YUDA

CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:
Hello there, this is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER. Joe was sent to a special prison where they keep all the other criminals from the music business; you know, the ones who get caught. It's a horrible place, painted all green on the inside, where musicians and former executives take turns snorting detergent and plooking each other...

(As the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER chuckles to himself for a moment, FATHER RILEY, who became BUDDY JONES, steps into view in his new identity: FATHER RILEY B. JONES, Prison Chaplain, who, in a rather heavy-handed piece of imagery, is now entrusted with the job of singing this song as he assists the captured executives in their quest for new meat to plook, and, once having found these victims for the princes of the industry, trades them little blobs of sanctified lubricant jelly for cigarettes and candy bars while he holds them down so the execs won't have to work too hard when they stick it in.)

CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:
Anyway, while he's in there he meets this guy who used to be a promo man for a major record company: Bald-Headed John, King of the Plookers.

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
This is the story 'bout Bald-Headed John
(Dong work for Yuda, Dong, Dong)
He talks a lot 'n it's usually wrong
(Dong work for Yuda, Dong, Dong)
He said Dong was Wong,
'N Wong was Kong
'N Dong work for Yuda,
'N John was wrong

Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again
(Dong work for Yuda, Dong, Dong)
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again
He said Dong was Wong
And Wong was Kong
And Dong was Gong
'N John was wrong

John's got a sausage, yeah man!
John's got a sausage, yeah man!
John's got a sausage that will make you fart
John's got a sausage that will break your heart
Make you fart and break your heart
Don't bend over if you are smart

He took a little walk to the weenie stand
(John's got a sausage, yeah man!)
A great big weenie in both his hands
(John's got a sausage, yeah man!)
He sucked on the end
'Til the mustard squirt
He said “Ya'll stand back
'Cause you might get hurt!”

Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again
(Dong work for Yuda, Dong, Dong)
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again
He said Dong was Wong
And Wong was Kong
And Dong was Gong
'N John was wrong

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Make way for the iron shaschige!

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
I need a dozen towels so the boys can take a shower

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Bartender, bring me a colada and milk

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
On second thought, make that a water: H-T-O!

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Falcum... take me to the falcum!

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
I wave my bags, did you wave vour'n?

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS: Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Well how much did they wave?

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Ah'm almost two kilometers tall

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
This girl must be praketing richcraft

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Don't worry about the faggot, I'll take care of the faggot

FATHER RILEY B. JONES & EXECS:
Sorry, John, sorry, better try it again
Try it again, try it again, try, try, try again...

BALD-HEADED JOHN:
Your Pomona is very extinct. Yeah, I studied with the Dong of Tokyo 'n also with the oriental Kato. My body contain uh water. I just loves the way these Copenhagens talks! Driver, McDoodle. Sausage, Salima, Salami. That looks like that stuff that Freckles lets out Once a month.

(Eventually FATHER RILEY B. JONES gets around to JOE with his little case of pre-blessed unguents.)

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER. Poor Joe, he’s getting tired of bending over. But we tried to warn him... didn't we? Okay, Joe, you asked for it: here comes the Big One!


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Notes About This Song

See interview Allan Zavod interview by Avo Raup.

The song is about John Smothers and his strange way of speaking English:

Den Simms: So, speaking of Smothers, what is 'the Falcum'?

Frank Zappa: Well, that also goes back to Copenhagen. Now, John also has a mysterious command of the English language ...

Den Simms: Sure.

Frank Zappa: ... as we all know. Once upon a time, on his first trip to Copenhagen, we were playing at a place called the Falkoner Center ...

Den Simms: Sure.

Frank Zappa: ... and we didn't have a limousine. I had to take a cab to the place. We get in the car. It's just this little tiny car, (laughter) not a Fiat, but maybe, slightly larger than a Fiat. You know how big John is ...

Den Simms: Sure.

Frank Zappa: ... and it's a cab, and the driver is Danish, and he doesn't speak English. I get in the back, and John gets in the front, and the cab driver is just sittin' there, 'cause he doesn't know where to go, and John finally realizes that he must tell the driver where to go, so, he just turns to him, and goes, "FALCUM." (laughter), and the guy looks at him, y'know, kinda lookin' up like this, and John goes, "FALCUM."

ALL: (laughter)

Frank Zappa: ... and the guy DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. And then, John gets vehement. He goes, "TAKE ME TO THE FALCUM!"

ALL: (laughter)

Frank Zappa: And the driver jumped out of the car

ALL: (hysterical laughter)

Frank Zappa: ... and ran into the lobby of the hotel to ask the guy in Danish at the desk (laughs) what the fuck is going on.

ALL: (much laughter)

(Quoted from They're Doing the Interview of the Century, Part 3)

CC Clues In This Song