Call Any Vegetable (1971 - Los Angeles)

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For other versions of this song, see: Call Any Vegetable.


Lyrics

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good

Yeah, yea-ah-ey!
The vegetable will respond to you
Shoop shoop, La-la-ah la-la
The vegetable will respond to you
Shoop shoop, La-la-ah la-la

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good

Yeah, yea-ah-ey!
The vegetable will respond to you
Shoop shoop, La-la-ah la-la
The vegetable will respond to you
Shoop shoop, La-la-ah la-la

Ruta-bay-ay-ayga
Ruta-bay-ay-ayga
Ruta-bay-ay-ayga
Ruta-bay-ay-ayga
Ruta-bay-y-y ...

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream,
Vegetables dream,
Vegetables dream,
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny and proud by your side
Holding your joint while the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable something to hide?
To hide?
To hide?
To hide?

Shoop-shoop, Shoop-shoop ...

FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They, they think: What can I say? Some times they think: Where can I go?
HOWARD: Where can I go to get my poodle clipped in Burbank?
MARK: At Ralph's vegetarian poodle clippin', where you can come this ...
HOWARD: Where can I go to get organic vaseline for my intercourse?
MARK: At Bob and Ray's Swahili restaurant, where you can come this close ...
HOWARD: Where can I go to get my jeans embroidered in Fullerton?
MARK: At Jeans, at Jeans North where nothing fits
HOWARD: Where can I go to get my zipper repaired in Hollywood?
MARK: Who gives a fuck anyway!
HOWARD: Where can I go to get my speakers fixed?
MARK: Hey ... at Jack La...
HOWARD: Where can I go to get my exit lights?
MARK: At Jack La Lanne Hamburgers on 312 Whittier Boulevard
HOWARD: Where can I go to get my stomach pumped? Where can I go to collapse?
MARK: Adee do...
FZ: Questions, Questions, Questions, flooding into the mind of the concerned young person today. Ah, but it's a great time to be alive, ladies and gentlemen. And that's the theme of our program for tonight. It's so fucking great to be alive! Is what the theme of our show is tonight, boys and girls. And I wanna tell ya, if there is anybody here who doesn't believe that it is fucking great to be alive, I wish they would go now, because this show will bring them down so much.

God bless America
Land that I ...

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Oh! That the vegetable will respond to you

MARK: And if you're a consenting adult we want you to call today. In Los Angeles, the number is RIchmond 9-6135, in Downey, it's 347-8932. Call it direct! Call it collect! But call it today!

Players On This Song

Records On Which This Song Has Appeared

Singles

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Zappa Albums & Side Projects

Tribute & Cover Albums

Notes About This Song

Zappa says:

  • The spoken part at the end of this Flo & Eddie version of the song ("You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom," corresponding with the beginning of Soft-Sell Conclusion in the 1966 version) would vary from performance to performance. One such variation is documented as the "Champagne Lecture" on Playground Psychotics'. Others include:
"You know, lotsa people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think: 'What can I say? What can a person such as myself say unto a vegetable?' Let's think of some of the things that you could say to a vegetable. The first thing that comes to my mind is: 'I've got a picture of you on my bathroom wall sitting on the toilet.' Another thing that you might be able to say, would be: 'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? Do you like my new car? It's real cool. Which Holliday Inn are you staying at? The one by the airport? We got to get up real early in the morning and fly out of here. Where you playing tomorrow? Tierra Del Fuego.' Or you could say: 'Muffins ... Yeah! Pumpkins ... Yeah! Wax paper ... Yeah! Caledonias, mahoganies and elbows and green things in general.' And soon, a new rapport! You and all your new little green and yellow buddies, grooving together. Oh no! Maintaining their coolness together! Worshipping together in the church of your choice! Only in America!"

God bless America! (Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!)
Land that I ...

(Freaks & Motherfuckers)
FZ: "You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think that perhaps the only thing that's really necessary is a bit of fondue and an old Saint Bernard. But even in Switzerland, I'm sure that you realise there's more to life than merely that. Not much, but a little bit maybe. Maybe some ice skates. Let's add some ice skates to it! Sometimes you'll think once you've got your hands on your ice skates: 'Where can I go with my hands on my ice skates?'"

HOWARD: "Where can I go to drink Slivovitz in the Alps?"
MARK: "At Bill R's Big Lodge up the hill where you can go right up the hill today and skate with ...'"
HOWARD: "Where can I go to have equipment problems in Montreux?'"
MARK: "Right here.'"
HOWARD: "Where can I go to get a shirt just like Jim is wearing?'"
MARK: "At the Marc Bolan Beau-tique'"
HOWARD: "Where can I go to get into a cloth that looks like 1965, hey-hey-hey?'"
MARK: "Los Angeles, California.'"
FZ: "Questions, questions, questions, flooding into the mind of the concerned rock & roll performer today. Ah, but it's a wonderful time to be alive even in the middle of fondue country. And we have some culinary suggestions for you now. New things that you can stick on the end of your very own fork and dip into your very own hot fat. The creative approach to Swiss cooking. And here are your suggestions: muffin fondue, (Penis!) pumpkin fondue, (Penis!) wax paper fondue, (Penis!) caledonias, mahogany, elbows, (Yeah! I got a pe-e-enis!) green things in general. And soon, a new rapport! (Yeah! You got a pe-e-enis!) You and your new little green and yellow buddies, grooving together, maintaining your coolness together (Yeah! You got a pe-e-enis!) Worshipping together in the church of your choice, only on the top of the mountain! (Yeah! I got a pe-e-enis!)"
God bless America!
Land that I ...

Swiss Cheese/Fire!

CC Clues In This Song