View source for The Complete History Of The Few Last Weeks Of The Mothers Of Invention

'''The Complete History of Last Week's Mothers of Invention/Hot Rats/Grand Wazoo'''<br>
[This article was found under the above alternative title in the Internet vicinity of [[Charles Ulrich]] and Bill Lantz.]

Frank Zappa wrote this as a future piece of history some weeks back, but the mails being what they are, '''[[Circular]]''' did not receive the article until after the tour he was about to begin then was already over.<br>

But everybody figured it'd be worth reprinting anyway, since it might shed light (and Lord knows that's what we need to do around here at Warner Bros.) on the Mother's next album,  [[The Grand Wazoo]], scheduled for Nov. 5 release.<br>

Not so, said Frank when '''Circular''' called him.<br>

The album called The Grand Wazoo was recorded around the time when [[Waka/Jawaka|Waka Jawaka]] was done and embodies a different line up of musicians than the eventual touring Wazoo group. On top of that, the material in [[The Grand Wazoo]] album is different from the material performed by the touring Wazoo.<br>

There is no record company hard goods justification for reprinting this prospectus at this time.<br>

The never-say-die [[Circular]] staff is doing it anyway on the grounds that Frank Zappa is a too seldom published writer and that the following words have some bearing on the current and recent doings of Zappa and his Mothers.<br>

As a pertinent aside, Zappa is readying a new set of Mothers for a tour extending from the end of October through mid-November during which he expects to be playing more guitar than in the previous tours.<br>

This current Mothers line-up is [[Jim Gordon]], drums; [[Dave Parlato]], bass; [[Tony Duran]], slide guitar; [[Malcolm McNab]], tuba; [[Sal Marquez]], trumpet; [[The Fowler Brothers|Bruce Fowler]], trombone; [[Glenn Ferris]], trombone; [[Tom Malone]], trumpet; [[Earle Dumler]], oboe, E Flat contrabass sarrusophone.<br>

'''Dates currently set for the next Mothers' tour are as follows:'''<br>
10/27 Montreal Forum; 10/28 Syracuse War Memorial (N.Y.); 10/29, Binghamton, N.Y., Harper College; 10/31, Passaic, N.J., Capitol Theatre; 11/1, Waterbury, Conn., Palace Theatre; 11/3, Richmond, Va., Syria Mosque; 11/4, Charlotte, N.C., Park Center Arena; 11/10, Philadelphia, University of Penna., Irvine Aud.; 11/I1, Washington, D.C., Constitution Hall; 11/12, Providence, R.I., Palace Theatre.<br>

----

<br>
'''Since the earliest days of the [[The Mothers|M.O.I.]]''' (from about 1964, roughly), I have been interested in assembling some kind of electric orchestra, capable of performing intricate compositions at the same sound  intensity levels normally associated with other forms of pop music. The formation of the new '''MOTHERS OF INVENTION/HOT RATS/GRAND WAZOO''' represents the first large-scale attempt to mount such a monstrosity, and to actually move it across a couple of  continents to do concerts.<br>

The WAZOO DEBUT will occur at the [[wikipedia:Hollywood Bowl|Hollywood Bowl]] on Sunday, September 10, 1972. On the 13th of September, the Wazoo will depart for Berlin, London, The Hague, Copenhagen, New York City, and Boston, making a final return to Los Angeles on the 25th, having played a total of eight performances for its first concert season.<br>

If this initial season proves itself to be anything less than a financial disaster (as the production and travel costs are extremely high for a group of this size), the Wazoo will reorganize for another concert tour next summer. In any event, the Wazoo will be ceremoniously disbanded after the Boston concert. Immediately upon return to LA, rehearsals will begin for still another kind of [[The Mothers|Mothers of Invention]] ... a 10 piece group playing a completely different repertoire, with its own concert tour booked for the end of October in the U.S. and Canada. But, meanwhile, a few more specifics about the Wazoo.<br>

Every "new" group (and, occasionally, a few of the older ones) will issue some kind of proclamation explaining the fantastic potential delights resultant from exposure to their impending unique material, ingenious stage craft, and/or their groovy vibes. This is usually accompanied by descriptions of the wonderful freedom shown by the group in performance, and assorted stuff about how everybody in the group loves what they're doing, and what a nice wholesome bunch of lads they are ... or maybe they're not wholesome ... maybe they're tough and degenerate (but, of course, beneath it all, each fellow is exquisitely talented and in possession of a Golden Heart w/matching Soul, as indicated by the pained, innocent, troubled, searching facial expressions in the Group Photo). I make none of these claims on behalf of the Wazoo.<br>

Such a hypothetical merchandising proclamation would probably include a paragraph or two about how nobody in the group really cares about money, followed closely by a carefully worded testimonial regarding the "new" group's Urgent Commitment to make the world a better place to live in, through their music (which is Sensitive and unutterably Deep ... or maybe it's just for singing along with, or grooving behind, or designed to inflict upon the fortunate listener some incomprehensible amount of Energy ... or whatever). For those interested, the '''MOTHERS OF INVENTION/HOT RATS/GRAND WAZOO''' is offering (for a limited time only) a musical alternative to the previously described manifestations of Green Limousine Consciousness. To begin with, the Wazoo bears little resemblance to any previous form of rock and roll band. There are twenty musicians in it who mostly sit down and read music from an array of charming little fiber-board stands. Nobody sings. Nobody dances. They just play music.<br>

'''THE MOTHERS OF INVENTION/HOT RATS/GRAND WAZOO''' starting line-up <br>
[[Biography|Frank Zappa]]: guitar and white stick with cork handle<br>
[[Tony Duran]]: slide guitar<br>
[[Ian Underwood]]: piano and synthesizer <br>
[[Dave Parlato]]: bass <br>
[[Jerry Kessler]]: electric cello <br>
[[Jim Gordon]]: electric drums <br>
[[Mike Altschul]]: piccolo, bass clarinet and other winds <br>
[[Jay Migliori]]: flute, tenor sax and other winds <br>
[[Earle Dumler]]: oboe, contrabass sarrusophone and other winds <br>
[[Ray Reed]]: clarinet, tenor sax and other winds <br>
[[Charles Owens]]: soprano sax, alto sax and other winds <br>
[[JoAnn Caldwell|Joann McNab]]: bassoon <br>
[[Malcolm McNab]]: trumpet in D <br>
[[Sal Marquez]]: trumpet in Bb <br>
[[Tom Malone]]: trumpet in Bb, also tuba <br>
[[Glenn Ferris]]: trombone and euphonium <br>
[https://www.discogs.com/artist/252999-Kenny-Shroyer Kenny Shroyer]: trombone and baritone horn <br>
[[The Fowler Brothers|Bruce Fowler]]: trombone of the upper atmosphere <br>
[[Tom Raney]]: vibes and electric percussion <br>
[[Ruth Underwood]]: marimba and electric percussion<br>

We will play the same concert program for each of the eight events. The pieces include: "'''The New Brown Clouds'''," "[[Big Swifty (1972 - Paramount Studios)|Big Swifty]]," "[[Approximate]]," "[[For Calvin (And His Next Two Hitch-Hikers)|For Calvin and His Next Two Hitch-Hikers]]," "[[The Grand Wazoo (The Track)|Think It Over]]," "'''Low-Budget Dog Meat (a medley)'''," "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]," and, for an encore (because everybody prepares an encore whether they talk about it or not), "[[Penis Dimension]]" and the "'''Variant Processional March'''." All of the compositions include space for solo improvisations except "'''Low Budget Dog Meat'''" which presents an assortment of recognizable themes from "[[Music For Electric Violin And Low Budget Orchestra|Music For Low Budget Symphony Orchestra]]," "[[The Dog Breath Variations]]" and "[[Uncle Meat]]."<br>

The concert presentation will be informal, reasonably straightforward, and non-theatrical, as very few of the Wazoo's members exhibit the normal pop musician's ability to function efficiently while garbed in fringes, feathers, or festoons. Since clothing for the stage is left to the individual performer's discretion, the public image of the Wazoo might be classified somewhere between drab and non-existent.<br>

Those in the audience who make a fetish of close-range seats in order to scrutinize a group's soul-squint/grimace potential (to see if they're really getting into it) may be disappointed to discover the generalized Wazoo eyeball heavily oriented to the printed page and conductor's baton. Our one concession to overt showmanship is the placement of Earle Dumler in the front row of the woodwind section, making it possible for the first time to view a grown man with a mod hair cut, struggling against the forces of nature to extract accurate intonation from an amplified Eb Contrabass Sarrusophone.<br>

In stark contrast to the legends which surround the formation of your average "super group" [Heavy Friends Get It Together, Cosmically Relate and Thunder Forth to Share Corporate Mystical Magnificence with Unsuspecting Customers of the World], the history of our humble Wazoo is A Grown Man Battles Natural Forces to Get the Right Tones from an E-Flat Contrabass Sarrusophone. 1 3 almost boring. I wanted to find some horns to play in the band so I called a trombone player I worked with during the recording of the Lumpy Gravy album. His name was, and apparently continues to be, Kenny Shroyer.<br>

Kenny became the Wazoo's musical contractor. With a rumpled copy of the Local 47 Musicians Union Directory in one hand and a telephone in the other, Shroyer managed to fill most of the empty chairs by crooning into the receiver such memorable lines as: "Are you interested?", "Can you read these charts?", "Do you have time to rehearse?", and the perennial favorite "Are you free to travel?"<br>
As a result of Shroyer's flawless diplomacy, the Wazoo may earn its niche in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame simply for being the only "new" group in pop history that knows from in front they won't be as big as the Beatles, has a reasonable idea of what the complete span of their "career" will pay them, and is thoroughly aware of the precise time and place designated for the "breaking up of the group" (right after the Show in the dressing room of Boston's Music Hall, September 24, 1972).

'''About the Music'''<br>

'''1.''' "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary: Movement IV - The New Brown Clouds|The New Brown Clouds]]"<br>
This piece should actually be the last thing on the program, since it is the final movement of "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]." It is presented first for several reasons:<br>
[a] It's not bad as an opener.<br>
[b] You never heard "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]" before, so you wouldn't be bothered if this wasn't at the end of it (and I'm not fussy about it).<br>
[c] There's a crumpled version of the theme from "[[Billy The Mountain]]" in the beginning which might provide some form of conceptual link to our last concert here (if you go for stuff like that).<br>
[d] This is the first "tune" the Wazoo learned, so, from a nostalgic point of view, it might as well be the first thing you hear us play. For further information, consult the program notes for "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]"<br>

'''2.''' "[[Big Swifty (1972 - Paramount Studios)|Big Swifty]]"<br>
This piece (which comprises all of Side One of the [[Waka/Jawaka|HOT RATS Waka/Jawaka]] album) presents a theme in rapidly alternating time signatures, a few solos, and an out-chorus done up in a sort of Prom Night orchestration which suspends the opening rhythmic structure over a straight 4/4 accompaniment.<br>
The restatement of the theme is actually derived from a guitar solo on the album which [[Sal Marquez]] took down on paper. After about an hour of wheeling the tape back and forth, [[Sal Marquez|Sal]] managed to transcribe this rhythmically deranged chorus (I don't have the ability to do this kind of musical dictation, but, since [[Sal Marquez|Marquez]] had a full-bore education at North Texas University, he had it covered). After he'd written it out, we proceeded to over-dub three trumpets on it, and, presto! An organized conclusion for "[[Big Swifty (1972 - Paramount Studios)|Big Swifty]]."<br>
The arrangement played here presents that line in a harmonized setting, as well as a number of orchestrational refinements of the opening material (such as the addition of woodwinds and percussion to segments which, on the recording, were played by guitars and trumpets). 'It's not "just like the record," but you'll get the idea.<br>

'''3.''' "[[Approximate]]"<br>
In this selection, the choice of the pitches played by each musician is left up to him (or her). There are only a few bars in the whole piece where a pitch is specified (and those bars are installed for contrast). The rest of the sheet music is filled with note stems and braces connected to little "X" marks, indicating by their position on the staff the approximate register of the instrument in which they are to occur. The players are requested to adhere to the rhythmic schematic which organizes the time-space relationships between the bunches of "X's." This piece can be played by any number of musicians from four pieces upwards. The overall design presents a single duplicated part for all instruments in C or F (including percussion), which interlocks with another single duplicated part for all instruments in Bb or Eb. The electric bass and drum set each have separate parts which combine the rhythms of the other two parts.<br>

'''4.''' "[[For Calvin (And His Next Two Hitch-Hikers)|For Calvin and His Next Two Hitch-Hikers]]"
<br>
This is dedicated to [[Cal Schenkel|Calvin Schenkel]], a long-time friend who has been responsible to a large extent for anything graphic/visual associated with the [[The Mothers|M.O.I.]] (from album covers to billboards to the animated sequence in [[200 Motels]]).<br>
There are lyrics to this piece (which has already been recorded and is set for a fall release in the impending [[The Grand Wazoo|Grand Wazoo]] album), but we are performing an instrumental version for these concerts. The story depicted in the lyrics refers to a mysterious "Schenkel Mirage" which occurred while he was driving to work. The details are a bit deep, but perhaps you can use your imagination and extrapolate a situation from the text:<br>

''Where did they go?'' <br>
''Where did they come from?'' <br>
''What has become of them now?'' <br>
''How much was the leakage <br>
''From the drain in the night <br>
''And who are those dudes <br>
''In the back seat of Calvin's car? <br>
''What did they do <br>
''When they got off the car? <br>
''Did they go get a sandwich <br>
''And eat in the dark? <br>
''What did they do <br>
''With the waxed-paper bundles <br>
''When the sandwiches vanished <br>
''And the crumbs fell all over?<br>
<br>
''Where did they go? <br>
''Where did they come from? <br>
''Where d'ya think they're gonna <br>
''Re-appear tomorrow?<br>''
<br>

'''5.''' "Think It Over" <br>
([[The Grand Wazoo]])<br>
About six weeks ago, I finished the book and lyrics for a science fiction musical called [[Hunchentoot]] (which may never be staged), and under the title "Think It Over," this piece is used as an aria, sung by a religious fanatic con man of the future, as an instruction to his Alpha-meditating followers:<br>
<br>
''If Something Gets in Your Way, <br>
''Just think it over<br>
''And it will fall down, etc.<br>
<br>
But, as an instrumental item, it goes under the title-disguise of "[[The Grand Wazoo]]." It doesn't require too much in the way of scientific explanation. It's just a shuffle.<br>
<br>

'''6.''' "Low-Budget Dog Meat."<br>
This selection incorporates themes from three previously recorded pieces, "Music For Low-Budget Symphony Orchestra" (from the [[Jean-Luc Ponty]] album [[King Kong (The Album)|King Kong]]), "[[The Dog Breath Variations]]" and "[[Uncle Meat]]" (from the [[The Mothers|M.O.I.]] album [[Uncle Meat]]). This arrangement contains many difficult instrumental passages (some of which are not always played perfectly, but what the heck), notably: the high trombone part in the opening section, the material for electric piano and marimba in the second section, and the intricate theme of the last section which presents a few problems for everybody. Barring any unforseen problems in the sound mix, the high, quacking "D" trumpet of [[Malcolm McNab]] should amaze you through the latter portions of this.<br>
<br>

'''7.''' "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]"<br>
Along with the original plans for the [[Uncle Meat (The Film)|Uncle Meat]] movie, the legendary multi-record history of the ancient [[The Mothers|M.O.I.]], and, most recently, the [[Hunchentoot]] project, "[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]" must take its place over in the corner with the rest of the goodies that never quite escaped into the light of day.<br>
This piece was originally designed as a ballet with narration and singing, based on the activities of a little pig belonging to an endangered species. Not much potential in that concept I guess.<br>
This presentation contains no narration, no singing and no dancing. However, so you won't be too disoriented by what's left (the music), we provide herewith a simile of the original text design, complete up to the point where I quit working on it. We will, once again, leave it up to your very own imagination to hook it all up and make some sense out of it.<br>
<br>
'''"[[The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary]]"'''<br>
<br>
'''Scene One:''' GREGGERY'S APARTMENT<br>
<br>
Greggery Peccary wakes up and climbs out of bed while the trendy posters on his wall sing to him ...<br>
<br>
'''Trendy Posters:''' (singing)<br>
''Oh, here comes Greggery! <br>
''Little Greggery Peccary! <br>
''The nocturnal gregarious Wild swine ...<br>
<br>
The narrator, in stiff 1890s garb, walks into the scene, assumes a formal pose and proclaims ...<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''A peccary <br>
''Is a little pig <br>
''With a white collar <br>
''That usually hangs around <br>
''Between Texas and Paraguay <br>
''Sometimes ranging as far <br>
''west as Catalina<br>
<br>
Greggery doesn't notice the narrator. He is busy adjusting his costume in front of a large mirror and daubing a seductive [[Cologne|cologne]] on his neck.<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''This particular peccary, however <br>
''Is a prime specimen <br>
''Of that delightful endangered species <br>
''Which distinguishes itself <br>
''By markings which resemble a <br>
''WIDE TIE <br>
''Directly beneath the <br>
''White collar<br>
<br>
''Each morning <br>
''Greggery prepares himself <br>
''A carefully coordinated ensemble ... <br>
''Takes a discerning peep <br>
''At a famous Rock and Roll Newspaper ... <br>
''And fortifies himself <br>
''With a cup of hot Yoga Tea <br>
''After which he dashes out to his <br>
''Fashionable red car <br>
''With the daisy stickers on it <br>
''And makes his way <br>
''Through the morning traffic <br>
''To his enviable position <br>
''In the Creative Department of <br>
''BIG SWIFTY AND ASSOCIATES ... Trend-Mongers<br>
<br>
Music: GREGGERY THROUGH THE MORNING TRAFFIC <br>
<br>
'''Scene Two:''' THE STENO POOL AT BIG SWIFTY'S<br>
<br>
Greggery arrives at work and strolls through the Steno Pool, flaunting his snazzy wardrobe. The girls all agree that he has marvelous taste for being such a compact little swine, so, of course, they sing to him ....<br>
<br>
'''Six Stenos:''' (singing)<br>
''Oh, here comes <br>
Greggery Peccary [random giggles] <br>
''Here comes <br>
''Little Greggery <br>
''Little Greggery <br>
''Little Greggery Peccary <br>
''Is going to have <br>
''A series Of adventures ...''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''Yes, from the moment they laid eyes on him, <br>
''All the girls in the BIG SWIFTY Steno Pool <br>
''KNEW ... Here was a Nocturnal <br>
''Gregarious <br>
''Wild swine <br>
''ON HIS WAY up! <br>
''A peccary of Destiny ... <br>
''Adventure ... <br>
''And ROMANCE!''<br>
<br>
'''Six Stenos:''' (squealing)<br>
''GREGGERY PECCARY!''<br>
<br>
'''Greggery:''' (hoof raised in calming gesture)<br>
''Tut-tut, girls! <br>
''There's enough for each and every one of you! <br>
''BUT... <br>
''Before I might allow myself <br>
''To become emotionally embroiled <br>
''Near this water cooler <br>
''MAKE WAY! <br>
''MAKE WAY! <br>
''As I must plummet boldly forward <br>
''To my ULTRA-AVANT <br>
''Laminated <br>
''Simulated <br>
''Replica-mahogany desk <br>
''With the strategically-placed <br>
''Imported, very hip water pipe <br>
''And the latest edition of the <br>
''WHOLE EARTH CATALOG <br>
''And activate my agile mind <br>
''Thereby unleashing a spectacular <br>
''NEW TREND <br>
''To rejuvenate our limping economy <br>
''And provide <br>
''For bored, miserable people everywhere <br>
''Some great new <br>
''THING <br>
''To identify with!''<br>
<br>
'''Six Stenos:''' [grateful applause]<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''And, so saying <br>
''Greggery Peccary turned <br>
''And strode splendidly <br>
''Into his office <br>
''And proceeded <br>
''With a vigor and determination <br>
''Known only to piglets <br>
''Of a similarly diminutive proportion <br>
''To single-handedly invent ... <br>
''THE CALENDAR!''<br>
<br>
'''Scene Three:''' GREGGERY INVENTS THE CALENDAR<br>
<br>
With his eyes rolled heaven-ward, and his shiny little hoofs on the desk, Greggery ponders the question of Eternity (and fractional divisions thereof), as mysterious angelic voices sing to him from a great distance, providing the essential framework for his thrilling new Trend ...<br>

'''Angelic Voices:''' (singing)<br>
''Sunday <br>
''Saturday <br>
''Tuesday through <br>
''Monday, Monday''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''
''And thus the calendar <br>
''In all of its colorful disguises <br>
''Was presented to <br>
''The bored and miserable people <br>
''Everywhere ... <br>
''Greggery issued a memo on it <br>
''Whereupon the entire contents of the Steno Pool <br>
''Identified with it strenuously <br>
''And worshipped it <br>
''And took their little pills by it <br>
''And paid their rent by it <br>
''And went back and forth from work by it <br>
''And before long, they were even having <br>
''Birthday parties in the office by it ... <br>
''Because NOW, AT LAST <br>
''Little Greggery's exciting new invention <br>
''Had made it possible <br>
''For everyone <br>
''To find out <br>
''HOW OLD THEY WERE!''<br>
<br>
[fanfare]<br>
<br>
''Unfortunately, however <br>
''There were some people <br>
''Who simply did not wish to know ... <br>
''And that's why <br>
''On his way home from the office one night <br>
''Greggery was attacked <br>
''By a RAGE OF HUNCHMEN ...through the <br>
''[[Short Forest]]!''
<br>
<br>
'''Scene Four:''' GREGGERY IS ATTACKED<br>
<br>
Making his way through the evening traffic, Greggery notices that the other vehicles which crowd and bump his little red car are all inhabited by slowly-aging Very Hip Young People. They cast sinister glances in his direction through their glinting acid burn out eyeballs. Then they give strong evidence of hostile aggression by trying to make him bump into something!<br>
To elude them, Greggery takes the [[Short Forest]] exit off the expressway. They zoom after him in an ominous array of cars, trucks, motorcycles, and garishly painted buses.<br>
Greggery turns off onto a bumpy trail and roars crazily up the side of a famous and conveniently placed mountain, into a strange cave on the, edge of a cliff, not far from a little twisted tree with eyes on it.<br>
Meanwhile, the enraged Hunchmen (and Hunchwomen) rumble through the [[Short Forest]] until, realizing the little swine has escaped, they decide to park their steaming vehicles in circular pseudo-wagon train encampment, and have a Love-in. They mechanically perform an assortment of stereotyped Lewd Acts, and, alternately, meditate deeply and rip each other off for small items of personal property, after which they dance with depraved abandon to a six foot pile of communally-tuned transistor radios.<br>
<br>
'''Scene Five:''' THE NEW BROWN CLOUDS<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''The Hunch-folk finally expire from exhaustion <br>
''And Greggery <br>
''Who has viewed the proceedings <br>
''From a safe distance, <br>
''Breathes a sigh of relief ...''<br>
<br>
'''Greggery:''' (hoof to forehead in gesture of relief)
''Geez! That was a close one!''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''... Only to be terrified once again <br>
''By a roar of immense laughter!''<br>
<br>
'''[[Billy The Mountain|Billy the Mountain]]:''' (heartily)
''HO! HO! HO!''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''It seems to be grumbling up <br>
''From the very depths of the cave <br>
''In which he has hidden his car! <br>
''Greggery doesn't realize <br>
''He has concealed himself <br>
''Inside the very mouth of <br>
''[[Billy The Mountain|BILLY THE MOUNTAIN]]! <br>
''And, as you all must know by now <br>
''Whenever [[Billy The Mountain|BILLY]] laughs <br>
''Rocks and boulders tend to get <br>
''HOCKED-UP <br>
''And the air for miles around <br>
''Is filled with tons of dust <br>
''Forming a series of huge <br>
''BROWN CLOUDS!''<br>
<br>
'''[[Billy The Mountain|Billy the Mountain]]:''' (emphatically)<br>
''HO! HO!''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''Greggery drives out of the <br>
''mysterious cave <br>
''Into the [[Toads Of The Short Forest|Short Forest]] night <br>
''Pondering the cosmic <br>
''significance <br>
''Of his dangerous experience <br>
''And the ominous dust storm ...''<br>
<br>
'''Greggery:''' (singing to himself)<br>
''Who is making <br>
''Those New Brown Clouds? <br>
''Who is making <br>
''Those clouds these days? <br>
''Who is making <br>
''Those New Brown Clouds? <br>
''Better ask a philostopher'n <br>
''see what he says!''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''Greggery stops at a gas station <br>
''And makes a mysterious phone <br>
''call ...''<br>
<br>
'''Greggery:''' (covering the receiver with handkerchief to muffle)<br>
''This the old loft <br>
''With the paint peelin' off it <br>
''By the Chinese Police <br>
''Where the dogs roll by? <br>
''This where they keep <br>
''The philostophers now <br>
''With the rugs'n the dust <br>
''Where the books go to die? <br>
''How many yez got? <br>
''Say yez got quite a few? <br>
''Just sittin' around there <br>
''With nothin' to do? <br>
''Well, I just called yez up <br>
'''Cause I wanted t'see <br>
''A philostopher be of assistance <br>
''to me!''<br>
<br>
'''Scene Six:''' THE PHILOSTOPHER SPEAKS<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:'''<br>
''Greggery receives information that <br>
''The Greatest Philostopher <br>
''Known to Mankind <br>
''Is currently in possession of the <br>
''very information <br>
''Sought by the swine <br>
''And, moreover, this information could be his <br>
''(For an astonishingly low introductory fee) <br>
''If he were to attend one of the <br>
''special THERAPEUTIC GROUP ASSEMBLIES <br>
''Now forming ...''<br>
<br>
Two severe, middle-aged ladies enter. One is wearing a lorgnette.

'''Lady #1:'''<br>
''And now ... here he IS ... <br>
''The GREATEST PHILOSTOPHER known to MANKIND ...''<br>
<br>
'''Lady #2:'''
''QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND!''<br>
<br>
The Greatest Philostopher Known to Mankind enters with a long blue robe on. He also has a tall pointed hat with Saturns, etc. on it.<br>
<br>
'''Quentin:'''<br>
''Well, folks <br>
''As you can see for yourself <br>
''The way this CLOCK over here <br>
''is BEHAVING <br>
''TIME IS OF AFFLICTION ... <br>
<br>
''This may be cause for alarm <br>
''Among a portion of you, as <br>
''From a certain experience <br>
''I tend to proclaim ...
<br>
''THE EONS ARE CLOSING!''
<br>
[concerned mutterings from all in attendance]
<br>
<br>
'''Quentin:'''<br>
''Now what does this mean, precisely <br>
''To the layman? <br>
''Simply this: <br>
''MOMENTARILY, THE NEED FOR <br>
''THE CONSTRUCTION OF <br>
''NEW LIGHT WILL NO LONGER EXIST!<br>
<br>
''Of course, some of you will say: <br>
''"Who is HE to fell me from this LIGHT?"<br>
''But, in all seriousness, ladies and gentlemen <br>
''A quick glance at the erratic behavior <br>
''Of the large, precision-built <br>
''TIME-DELINEATING APPARATUS beside me <br>
''Will show that it is perhaps <br>
''Only a few moments now! <br>
''Just look how funny it's <br>
''Going around there! <br>
''Personally, I find mechanical behavior of this nature <br>
''To be Highly SUSPICIOUS! <br>
''When such a device <br>
''Doesn't go NORMAL <br>
''The implications of such a behavior <br>
''BODES NOT WELL! <br>
''And, quite naturally, ladies and gentlemen <br>
''When the mechanism in question <br>
''Is entrusted with the task of <br>
''The delineation of <br>
''TIME ITSELF ... <br>
''And If such a mechanism goes <br>
''ON THE BUM... <br>
''OR THE FRITZ... <br>
''Well <br>
''It spells TROUBLE!''
<br>
<br>
'''Lady #1:'''<br>
''Make your checks payable to <br>
''The GREATEST PHILOSTOPHER known to MANKIND ...''<br>
<br>
'''Lady #2:'''<br>
''QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND!''<br>
<br>
'''Both Ladies:''' (singing)<br>
''Who is making <br>
''Those New Brown Clouds <br>
''Who is making <br>
''Those clouds these days? <br>
''Who is making <br>
''Those New Brown Clouds? <br>
''If you ask a philostopher <br>
''He'll see that you pays!''<br>
<br>
'''Quentin:'''
''THANK YOU ... AND CALL AGAIN!''<br>
<br>
Greggery takes leave of the Therapeutic Assembly, only to discover the mysterious dust storm is still in progress ...<br>
<br>
'''Greggery:''' (miffed)<br>
''That geek has ripped me off!''<br>
<br>
'''Narrator:''' (confidentially to Greggery)<br>
''Perhaps it's a trend ...''<br>

----

This article was scanned from a Warner Brothers '''[[Circular]]''' from around October, 1972. Frank had apparently written it in approximately August of 1972 but the magazine didn't get around to publishing his article until The Grand Wazoo ensemble had finished touring. To their credit, they were aware of that and made an attempt to catch up with Frank was about to do with the scaled down Grand Wazoo, these days referred to as the Petite Wazoo. I fixed a few typos but probably not all. And sorry about the photos but my copy is only a xerox. I doubt they were very clear to begin with. I placed them where they fell in the actual article as well.<br>
Thanks to '''Tom Manforte''' for supplying this rare article.

[[Category:Articles by Zappa|Complete History Of The Last Few Weeks Of The Mothers Of Invention]]
[[Category:1972|Complete History Of The Last Few Weeks Of The Mothers Of Invention]]