Texas Medley

Jim once had a girl,
Or should we say,
She once had he.
She showed him her room,
Isn't it swell?
Texas Motel.

She asked him to stay and she told him to sit anywhere,
So Jim looked around and he noticed there wasn't a prayer.

Jim sat on a rug
Biding his time,
Pounding his pud.
He prayed until two,
And then she said,
"How 'bout some head?"
("I mean that")

She said she was booked in the morning with Falwell and Pat,
Jim told her he wasn't, and dribbled some spoo in her lap.

And when he awoke,
He was alone,
She'd honed his cone.
So he let her fly,
Isn't it swell?
Texas Motel

Everybody!

Picture yourself with a whore from New Orleans,
With big purple welts, all over her bod.
Suddenly calls, you answer quite slowly,
It's the board from Assembly O' God.

Ignorant crackers like you never seen,
Groveling under your bed.
Search for the girl with the spoo in her lap,
And she's gone.

Louisiana hooker with herpes,
Louisiana hooker with herpes,
Louisiana hooker with herpes.
Owwww!

We saw her go down to a room near the airport,
Where Swaggart gets off watching pornography,
Everyone smiles as we tread through his horseshit,
That grows so incredibly high.

Newspaper writers appear at his door,
Waiting to take Jim away.
He climbs in the back with his head up his ass,
And he's gone.

Louisiana hooker with herpes,
(Everybody!)
Louisiana hooker with herpes,
Louisiana hooker with herpes.
Owwww!

Picture yourself on your own TV station,
With brain-dead supporters with tears in their eyes,
Suddenly someone is there at commercial,
The girl with the pee-hole surprise.

Louisiana hooker with herpes,
(Last chance to sing it!)
Louisiana hooker with herpes,
(I can't hear you!)
Louisiana hooker with herpes.
Owwww! Ow!

One more time!

Louisiana hooker with herpes,
Louisiana hooker with herpes,
Louisiana hooker with herpes.
Owwww! Ow!

Suddenly the evil Swaggart looks at the hooker and says . . .

Let me take you down,
'Cause we're going to the Texas Motel.
Don't mind the smell,
It's nothing to get hung about.
Please leave your cash on the table.

Weeping looks better with eyes closed,
While I'm confessing all my sins.
(I've sinned! I tell you! Come on!)
It's getting hard to plook someone,
But it all works out,
It's all pornography to Jim.
(Him.)

Let me take you down,
'Cause we're going to the Texas Motel.
We might go to hell,
But we'll have lots of company,
Falwell and Pat and that weasel.

No one knows who's in my tree,
I mean it must be high or low.
That is I can't you know tune in,
But it's all right.
That is I think it's not too bad.
Say . . .

Let me take you down,
'Cause we're going to the Texas Motel.
Don't mind the smell,
It's just some jizz from Jimmy-boy.
How 'bout some hay for the donkey?
(Yee-haw!)

No one knows, sometimes think it's me,
(Ed Meese, ladies & gentlemen!)
But you know, I know when—I don't know.
(The golden pheasant himself!)
I think I know, I mean, I guess,
But it's all wrong.
(And we believe him!)
That is I think I disagree.
See . . .

Let me take you down,
'Cause we're going to the Texas Motel.
Don't mind the smell,
It's just some old pornography.
Just keep on strokin' that sausage,
Just keep on strokin' that sausage,
(Jimmy-boy!)
Just keep on strokin' that sausage.

Recordings

• Zappa '88: The Last U.S. Show

Notes

The Texas Medley or Texas Motel Medley is a brief suite that was featured by Zappa in his 1988 tour beginning in late February, 1988. It consists of three Beatles songs with the words re-written to reflect the recent exposure of evangelist Jim Swaggart with a prostitute in a Louisiana motel on February 21, 1988. The medley was apparently first performed on February 28, exactly one week later.

The suite consists of the following three songs:

1. Norwegian Wood - re-styled as "Norwegian Jim", the words describe the encounter of Swaggart with a prostitute. An amusing insertion is the repetition of a riff from Leonard Bernstein's song "I Feel Pretty" from "West Side Story."
2. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds - re-styled as "Louisiana Hooker with Herpes" with appropriate lyrics.
3. Strawberry Fields Forever - re-styled as "Texas Motel", but the refrain changes constantly.

Zappa targets, in addition to Swaggart, fellow evangelists Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, as well as Reagan administration figures, John Poindexter and Edward Meese. The last two are usually referenced at the end of some incomprehensible lyric (often from the original song) as "actual testimony" probably meant as a reference to the less than candid public testimony of these figures at the Iran-Contra hearings in 1987.